Today, my dear readers, we are going to tackle the classic dish of Beef Stroganoff. Why did I choose this recipe? Well, because it pisses me off that some people think they can slap together a subpar version of this dish and call it Beef Stroganoff! It's time to set the record straight and show you how to make a fucking delicious Beef Stroganoff that will blow your goddamn mind!
Let's take a moment to talk about store-bought products, shall we? It fucking boggles my mind how these companies have managed to convince the masses that buying pre-packaged sauces and canned mushrooms is acceptable. Newsflash, you lazy assholes! Those are not the ingredients you should be using in your Beef Stroganoff!
Do you have any idea how much better your dish would taste if you took the time to make the sauce from scratch and used fresh mushrooms? Let me tell you, it would blow your taste buds right out of your mouth! But no, you'd rather take the easy way out and settle for mediocre flavor. Well, not on my fucking watch!
- 1.5 pounds of beef sirloin, thinly sliced. Don't you dare use any other cut of meat, or I will personally come to your house and shove a spatula up your ass!
- 1 onion, finely chopped. And just for clarification, I'm not talking about one of those tiny-ass onions that you need a magnifying glass to see. I want a real goddamn onion!
- 2 cloves of garlic, minced. If you don't know what a clove of garlic looks like, I suggest you fuck off and go take a cooking class.
- 8 ounces of cremini mushrooms, sliced. And don't you dare substitute with those watered-down button mushrooms, or I'll kick you in the nuts!
- 1 cup of beef broth. Yes, I said beef broth, not some weak-ass vegetable broth. If you're a vegetarian, well, I guess you're fucked!
- 1 cup of sour cream. Make sure it's full-fat, none of that diet bullshit. We're not here to count calories, we're here to indulge in the glory of Beef Stroganoff!
- 2 tablespoons of Dijon mustard. Accept no substitutes, my friends. Dijon mustard is the only way to go!
- 2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce. If you can't pronounce it, tough shit. Learn to say it like a goddamn adult!
- Salt and pepper, to taste. I'm not going to tell you how much to use because you should already know this. If you don't, you're a lost cause.
- Egg noodles, cooked according to the package instructions. And if you overcook them and turn them into mush, I will personally come over and give you a swift kick in the nuts!
- Fresh parsley, chopped. None of that dried parsley bullshit, okay? Just fucking chop it yourself!
- Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat and add some oil. Once the oil is hot, brown the beef slices in batches, making sure not to overcrowd the pan. We're going for a nice golden crust here, so don't fuck it up!
- Remove the beef from the skillet and set it aside. In the same skillet, add the onion and garlic, and sauté until they're soft and fragrant, just like your sorry excuse for a soul.
- Add the mushrooms to the skillet and cook them until they're tender and have released their delicious juices. If you skip this step and just dump in some canned mushrooms, I will find you and destroy any hope you had of ever enjoying a good meal again.
- Pour in the beef broth and scrape the bottom of the pan to release all those flavorful brown bits. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back and re-read the fucking recipe, you moron!
- Stir in the sour cream, mustard, and Worcestershire sauce until everything is well combined and creamy. Keep stirring until the mixture is heated through and just starting to bubble. Don't let it fucking boil, or you'll ruin everything!
- Season the sauce with salt and pepper to taste. Taste it, you lazy fuck! Adjust the seasoning if needed. I'm not going to hold your goddamn hand through this.
- Return the beef to the skillet and stir it into the sauce. Let it simmer for a few minutes until the beef is cooked to perfection. Don't overcook the beef, or I'll personally come over and give you a lesson in using a goddamn timer!
- Serve the Beef Stroganoff over the cooked egg noodles, and garnish it with a sprinkle of fresh parsley because we're classy motherfuckers. Now eat it, you lazy bastards, and don't you dare let it get cold!
And here we are, my angry little chefs, at the end of another rage-filled recipe. I hope you learned something today, or at the very least, learned to fear my wrath. Now, get the fuck out of here and start cooking this Beef Stroganoff masterpiece!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, February 15 2024