Teriyaki Mushroom and Tofu Stir-Fry: A Fiery Recipe for a Damn Delicious Meal

Let me tell you something, you sorry excuse for a home cook. I chose this recipe because I'm sick and tired of people disrespecting tofu. Yes, tofu! That squishy, bland piece of crap that gets a bad rap from all you meat-loving assholes out there. Well, guess what? Tofu can be fucking amazing when cooked right. And when you pair it with savory teriyaki sauce and meaty mushrooms in a stir-fry, it's a goddamn flavor explosion in your mouth. So pay attention and learn something for once in your pathetic cooking life.

• Tofu, extra-firm (get your ass to the store and buy some, don't even think about using that soft crap)
• Mushrooms, sliced (none of that canned shit, use fresh or I swear I'll find you)
• Broccoli florets (you better not be skipping your damn veggies)
• Garlic, minced (fresh, none of that pre-chopped lazy bullshit)
• Ginger, grated (yes, you have to peel and grate it yourself, stop being lazy)
• Teriyaki sauce (store-bought is fine, but make sure it's the good stuff)
• Soy sauce (none of that low-sodium crap, we want flavor here)
• Sesame oil (if you even dare use vegetable oil, I will come through this screen and slap you)
• Green onions, sliced (you better not forget these for garnish, or I'll lose my mind)
• Cooked rice (I don't care how you cook it, just have it ready or you're dead to me)

1. First, you incompetent fool, drain the tofu and place it between paper towels with a heavy weight on top to press out the excess water. Once it's drained, cut the tofu into cubes. Are you following along or are you still dawdling? Chop, chop!

2. Heat some sesame oil in a wok or large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the tofu cubes and cook them until they're golden brown on all sides. Don't you dare burn them, or I'll burn your whole kitchen down.

3. Next, throw in the sliced mushrooms, broccoli florets, minced garlic, and grated ginger. Stir-fry that shit until the veggies are tender-crisp and the garlic is fragrant. I better not catch you overcooking anything, or I'll make you eat it all raw.

4. Pour in a generous amount of teriyaki sauce and a splash of soy sauce. Let it all simmer together for a few minutes until the sauce thickens and coats everything like a goddamn boss. Taste it and adjust the seasoning if needed. Don't you dare serve bland food in my presence.

5. Serve your stir-fry over a big pile of cooked rice and garnish with sliced green onions. Look at that masterpiece you've created. Now eat it like you mean it, you lazy sack of culinary incompetence.

What the hell are you still doing here? Get off your ass and start cooking this teriyaki mushroom and tofu stir-fry before I lose my patience with you. Chop chop!

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, October 23 2024