Szechuan Chicken Recipe: Get Ready to Burn Your Taste Buds Off!

Let's talk about Szechuan Chicken, shall we? This fiery dish packs a punch that will make you sweat, cry, and question your life choices. Why did I choose this recipe, you ask? Because I enjoy watching people suffer. And what better way to do that than by making them eat a dish that's hotter than the devil's asshole?

• 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into bite-sized pieces (or don't, who the fuck cares)
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce (low sodium because apparently, we give a shit about our health)
• 2 tablespoons rice vinegar (because regular vinegar just isn't pretentious enough)
• 2 tablespoons hoisin sauce (what the hell even is hoisin? Sounds like something made up by the bourgeoisie)
• 1 tablespoon Szechuan peppercorns, crushed (good luck finding these in your local grocery store, you pleb)
• 1 tablespoon chili garlic sauce (because regular chili sauce is for wimps)
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar (to slightly tame the flames of hell)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced (because vampires have no place in this recipe)
• 1 red bell pepper, diced (because we need some color to distract from the impending doom)
• 3-4 dried red chilies (you think you're tough enough for this shit?)
• Sliced green onions for garnish (because even hell needs some garnish)

1. In a bowl, mix together soy sauce, rice vinegar, hoisin sauce, Szechuan peppercorns, chili garlic sauce, and brown sugar. Set aside and try not to choke on the fumes.
2. Heat oil in a pan or wok over high heat. Add garlic, dried red chilies, and red bell pepper. Sauté until you feel the flames of hell licking at your face.
3. Add the chicken pieces and cook until they're no longer pink because raw chicken is a one-way ticket to the toilet for the next week.
4. Pour the sauce you made earlier over the chicken and veggies. Stir well and let it simmer until the sauce thickens and coats everything like a fiery blanket of pain.
5. Garnish with green onions because apparently, we're trying to be civilized here.
6. Serve this masochistic masterpiece over rice and prepare for the onslaught of heat that will make you question your sanity.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, July 31 2025