Well, my dear fucking readers, today I'm presenting you with a recipe for Spaghetti Bolognese. You know, that classic Italian dish that every lazy asshole thinks they know how to make? Yeah, that one. I chose this recipe because I wanted to show you just how fucking mediocre most people's versions are. Brace yourselves for my explosive anger and let's dive into this shit!
Now, before we get into the crux of this recipe, let me take a moment to vent my seething anger about all those incompetent idiots who claim they can make a good Spaghetti Bolognese. You know who I'm talking about—those dumbfucks who think that throwing some limp noodles into a pot of boiling water and dumping a jar of bland, watery tomato sauce on top is considered cooking. Well, fuck that noise!
Spaghetti Bolognese requires skill, precision, and a deep understanding of flavors. It's not some half-assed dish you whip up when you're too lazy or incompetent to make anything better. So, if you're one of those idiots who think this shit is easy, shut the fuck up and listen carefully because I'm about to teach you how to make a Spaghetti Bolognese that will blow your fucking mind.
- 1 pound of ground beef (it better be fucking lean or I'll hunt you down)
- 1 medium-sized onion, finely chopped (cry you sorry piece of shit)
- 4 cloves of garlic, minced (if you can't handle the garlic, get the fuck out of my kitchen)
- 1 carrot, finely diced (yeah, carrots! Deal with it, you vegetable-hating twats)
- 1 celery stalk, finely diced (don't even think about skipping this, you celery-phobic fuck)
- 1 can (14 ounces) of crushed tomatoes (make sure it's the good shit, none of that watery garbage)
- 2 tablespoons of tomato paste (nothing fancy, just something that actually tastes like tomatoes)
- 1 cup of beef broth (use the real stuff, not that powdered bullshit)
- A pinch of red pepper flakes (we're adding some spice to this sorry excuse of a dish)
- Salt and black pepper (season that shit properly or don't bother cooking)
- 1 bay leaf (yeah, motherfucker, we're going all out on flavor)
- 1 pound of spaghetti (if you can't find spaghetti, you're hopeless)
- Freshly grated Parmesan cheese (use the good quality shit or don't bother)
- A handful of fresh basil leaves (shred them gently with your rage-filled hands)
- Heat a fucking large skillet over medium heat. Add the ground beef and cook it until it's fucking browned and crispy. Make sure to break it into small, beautiful crumbles of meaty goodness. Drain the grease because we're not about soggy bullshit.
- Add the chopped onion, minced garlic, diced carrot, and diced celery to the skillet. Cook this shit until the vegetables are fucking soft and fragrant, about 5 minutes. Make sure you stir that crap occasionally, so it doesn't stick to the bottom like a fucking moron.
- Stir in the crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, beef broth, red pepper flakes, salt, black pepper, and that motherfucking bay leaf. Bring this hot mess to a boil and then reduce the heat to low. Let it simmer, covered, for at least an hour. Yeah, you heard me right, an hour. You want those flavors to mingle and have a wild fucking orgy.
- In the meantime, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Drop in the spaghetti and cook it until it's al dente. None of that overcooked, mushy shit. Drain the pasta, but make sure you reserve a fucking cup of the starchy cooking water. You'll need it later.
- Remove the bay leaf from the sauce because nobody wants to eat a fucking leaf. Now, take half of the sauce and blend it until it's smooth as a baby's ass. Why? Because we like our sauce creamy and delicious, not chunky like an amateur cook's vomit. Pour the blended sauce back into the skillet and mix it with the remaining chunky sauce. Ta-dah, you've just leveled up your Spaghetti Bolognese game!
- Add the cooked spaghetti to the skillet and toss it around like a fucking madman, making sure every strand is coated in that heavenly sauce. If the sauce is too thick, add some of that reserved starchy water to loosen it up. Go on, degenerate, toss that pasta until it shines like the bright, beautiful liar you are.
- Serve that shit in warm bowls, sprinkled generously with freshly grated Parmesan cheese and torn basil leaves. Oh, and don't you dare forget the crusty fucking bread. You're going to need it to mop up every last bit of this orgasmic Spaghetti Bolognese. Now, go ahead and eat like a depraved animal, you filthy fuck.
And here I am, at the end of this recipe, filled with fiery rage because you haven't started cooking yet. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you waiting for the goddamn apocalypse? Get off your lazy ass and start cooking, you worthless sack of shit! Enjoy your fucking meal!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 30 2023