Why the fuck did I choose this fucking recipe? Well, because I fucking hate tofu, that's why. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is tofu? It's like some sad excuse for protein that's trying to masquerade as meat. But hey, guess what? Sometimes we need to put up with this shit for the sake of our health or whatever. So here we fucking go, making a goddamn sesame ginger tofu stir-fry. Lucky fucking us.
Let me tell you something about tofu. It's bland as fuck. No matter how much you marinate it or spice it up, it will never taste as good as real motherfucking meat. And don't get me fucking started on the texture. It's like chewing on a goddamn sponge. Who the hell thought this shit would be a good substitute for something that actually has flavor and an enjoyable texture? Fucking hippies, that's who.
Here's what you'll need to make this sorry excuse for a stir-fry:
- Tofu (12 ounces), extra-firm, diced (because apparently, we're masochists)
- Sesame oil (2 tablespoons), because we fucking love sesame oil
- Soy sauce (2 tablespoons), for some goddamn flavor
- Ginger (1 tablespoon), minced (because we need something to try and mask the taste of this tofu bullshit)
- Garlic (2 cloves), minced (because garlic makes everything fucking better)
- Broccoli (2 cups), because we need some goddamn vegetables thrown in there
- Carrots (1 cup), julienned (because we need even more fucking veggies)
- Red bell pepper (1), thinly sliced, because why the hell not?
- Green onions (4), sliced (because we need a little bit of freshness in this sad excuse for a meal)
- Sesame seeds (1 tablespoon), toasted (because it makes shit look fancy, even if it's not)
Alright, assholes, here's how you make this sesame ginger tofu stir-fry:
- In a medium fucking bowl, combine the sesame oil, soy sauce, minced ginger, and minced garlic. Mix that shit like your life depends on it.
- Take those sorry cubes of tofu and toss them in the motherfucking marinade. Let it sit for at least fucking 30 minutes, but if you can wait longer, go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back.
- Heat a goddamn wok or skillet over medium-high heat. Add a tablespoon of sesame oil and let it get hot. Don't fucking burn yourself.
- Throw in the marinated tofu and cook that shit until it's browned and crispy. This might take about 5 fucking minutes. Set that shit aside.
- In the same goddamn pan, add some more sesame oil and throw in the broccoli, carrots, and red bell pepper. Stir-fry that shit until it's tender-crisp, which should take about 4 fucking minutes.
- Put the tofu back in the pan because apparently, we need to make sure it's evenly distributed. Cook for another minute or so, just to warm that sorry tofu up.
- Remove that shit from the heat and sprinkle the sliced green onions and toasted sesame seeds on top. Make it look fucking pretty, even though it won't taste that way.
Well, what the fuck are you waiting for? Get your sorry ass off the computer and start cooking this sorry excuse for a meal. Maybe, just maybe, you'll find some tiny fragment of enjoyment in this sesame ginger tofu stir-fry. Or maybe you'll just end up ordering a fucking pizza. Either way, get the fuck on with it!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, December 28 2023