Raspberry Sorbet

Welcome back, you worthless pieces of culinary garbage! Today, I have a recipe that will make you question your pathetic existence and the sorry excuses for meals you've been consuming. Yes, my angry minions, it's time for Raspberry Sorbet, a refreshing and tangy delight that will slap you across the face and wake up those taste buds that have been lying dormant for way too long.

A Rant About Frozen Desserts

Let's take a moment to talk about the excessive bullshit that surrounds frozen desserts. Ice creams, gelatos, sorbets—you name it, they're all milk-based abominations that only satisfy the weak and timid among us. But fear not, my furious food fighters, because today we're focusing on the almighty Raspberry Sorbet—a vegan treat that declares war on your tongue and obliterates any sense of mediocrity left in your life!

Ingredients from Hell

• 2 cups of fucking fresh raspberries
• 1 cup of sugar, because we need to feed that sweet tooth of yours
• 1/2 cup of water, pretending to be useful as always
• The zest of one fucking lemon, because acidity is our righteous companion
• The juice of two fucking lemons, to give this sorbet a tangy motherfucking kick

Recipe of Fury

1. First, you sorry sack of culinary failure, throw those fresh raspberries, sugar, and water into a saucepan. Heat the mixture over medium-high heat while stirring, so that they melt together into a harmonious symphony of flavors. Let it simmer for a few minutes until the sugar dissolves.
2. After you're done with that pathetic task, remove the saucepan from the heat and allow the mixture to cool down. Once it reaches room temperature, toss it into the abyss of your food processor and blend it until smooth.
3. Now comes the time to test your pathetic skills at multitasking. Squeeze the life out of those lemons and extract that sour goodness. We need both the zest and the juice, so don't fuck up and use just one of them. Add both to the raspberry puree and blend again, making sure everything is nicely incorporated.
4. As an act of penance for your kitchen atrocities, pour the mixture into an ice cream maker. Let it churn away for about 20-25 minutes, or until the sorbet reaches that smooth and velvety consistency that will make your taste buds weep tears of joy.
5. Finally, you lazy excuses for human beings, transfer the divine raspberry sorbet to a lidded container and let it freeze for a minimum of 3 hours, but preferably overnight. Only then will it be truly ready to assault your senses like a fucking flavor bomb.

Now, as I sit here seething with anger and repulsion at the fact that you're still reading this instead of making this goddamn Raspberry Sorbet, I must remind you that your time is running out. Get off your sorry asses and embark on this culinary journey of sorbets that will lead you straight to flavor nirvana. Cook it, eat it, and never look back, you pathetic creatures!

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023