Today, you sorry excuses for home cooks have made me choose the simple yet fucking divine Tomato Basil Bruschetta. You can't mess this up, but knowing most of you, you probably will. I picked this recipe because it's a classic, and even you incompetent idiots should be able to handle it.
Let me tell you something, you dickheads who write those fake-ass, picture-perfect, cookie-cutter recipe blogs. I fucking hate you all. You're all a bunch of pretentious losers who care more about SEO than actually teaching people how to cook. Just give me the goddamn recipe without your life story and boring shit. Ain't nobody got time for that garbage. Now, let's get to the good stuff.
- 4 ripe tomatoes, chopped (and if they're not ripe, you can go screw yourself)
- 1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped (and for the love of all that's holy, use FRESH basil, none of that dried crap)
- 2 cloves garlic, minced (if you use garlic powder, I will find you and kick your ass)
- 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar (don't you dare substitute this with any other vinegar or I swear...)
- 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil (if your olive oil ain't extra virgin, then what the hell is it?)
- Salt and pepper to taste (if you oversalt this, you might as well just throw the whole thing in the trash)
- 1 baguette, sliced and toasted (if you can't even manage to toast bread, then there's no hope for you)
- Combine the chopped tomatoes, basil, garlic, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt, and pepper in a bowl. Give it a good fucking mix and let it sit for at least 15 minutes.
- While that shit's marinating, slice up your baguette and toast those slices until they're crispy as hell.
- Once the bread is ready, top each slice with the tomato mixture. Don't be stingy with it; pile that goodness high.
- Serve that delicious bruschetta and watch as people's faces light up with joy. Or maybe that's just gas; who the hell knows.
Get the fuck off your lazy ass and start making this Tomato Basil Bruschetta, you absolute imbeciles. Don't make me come over there and show you how it's done.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Tuesday, September 24 2024