Rage Recipes: Pumpkin Spice Muffins

What is it about fucking pumpkin spice that drives people insane? It's as if the gods of basic bitches have descended from their throne of Ugg boots and Starbucks cups to declare this flavor the epitome of fall. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love fall. The crisp air, the beautiful foliage, the excuse to wear cozy sweaters and drink whiskey. But pumpkin spice? Really? It's like sucking on a scented candle. Nonetheless, here we are, making these Pumpkin Spice Muffins just to fit in. Aren't we a bunch of fucking followers?

Ingredients:

• 1 and 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder (because apparently, baking soda would be too fucking mainstream)
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (because you need the warmth of cinnamon to mask the pumpkin spice's true nature)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (just for shits and giggles)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves (because we need to add a little darkness to this basic pumpkin party)
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled (because we all know that butter makes everything better)
• 1 cup granulated sugar (to add to the sweetness of our souls)
• 2 large eggs (looking at you, chickens. You better lay some goddamn big eggs for this)
• 3/4 cup canned pumpkin puree (because who the fuck has the time and patience to carve a real pumpkin)
• 1/4 cup whole milk (to give these muffins the illusion of moistness)
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract (just to add a little bit of depth to this basic-ass recipe)

Recipe:

1. Preheat your fucking oven to 350°F (175°C).
2. In a fucking medium-sized bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, ground cinnamon, ground nutmeg, and ground cloves. Set it aside because it needs some time to think about what it's done.
3. In a big fucking bowl, cream together the melted butter and granulated sugar until it's light and fluffy. You know, like the dreams of those naive Instagram influencers.
4. Add the eggs one at a time to the butter and sugar mixture, beating well after each addition. Make those eggs sorry for being so fucking normal.
5. Add the canned pumpkin puree, milk, and vanilla extract to the bowl of wet ingredients. Stir it all together until it's combined like a high school clique.
6. Slowly incorporate the dry mixture into the wet mixture. Be gentle, like dealing with a delicate soul who can't handle criticism.
7. Line your muffin tin with those fucking baking cups because we're fancy or some shit.
8. Scoop the batter into each cup, filling them about three-quarters full. Show those muffin cups who's the boss.
9. Bake the muffins for about 20-25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. No one likes a dirty muffin.
10. Let the muffins cool on a wire rack because hot muffins are overrated.

There you have it, you indecisive piece of shit. You've successfully made these Pumpkin Spice Muffins that will probably turn you into a basic bitch for the rest of the day. Now go eat them and destroy any semblance of originality you had left. And don't forget to sprinkle some extra cinnamon on top, because that's what everyone does.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Sunday, January 14 2024