Today, you’re in for a treat, you bunch of culinary masochists. I chose this goddamn recipe for Pumpkin Pie Bites because I want to show you that even the most basic, pumpkin-spiced bullshit can be turned into something delicious if you put some fucking effort into it.

Let me tell you something, you basic bitches and bros. I am sick and tired of every goddamn thing being pumpkin spice flavored. Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin spice air fresheners - what's next, pumpkin spice fucking gasoline? Enough is enough. But for these Pumpkin Pie Bites, I'll make an exception because they are so damn tasty.

• 1 ¼ cups graham cracker crumbs (crushed with anger)
• 1/4 cup sugar (sweet like the tears of your enemies)
• 1/3 cup melted butter (melted with the fiery rage of a thousand suns)
• 1 can (15 oz) pumpkin puree (not the pumpkin pie filling, you clueless imbecile)
• 1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk (the nectar of the cooking gods)
• 2 eggs (make sure they're not rotten, you incompetent fool)
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (the spice that doesn't make me want to punch someone)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (just a pinch, don't fuck it up)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger (it better be fucking fresh)
• 1/2 teaspoon salt (just like your sorry excuse for a palate)

Preheat your oven to 350°F, you lazy piece of shit.

Mix the graham cracker crumbs, sugar, and melted butter in a bowl until the mixture resembles wet sand. Press this shit into the bottom of a mini muffin tin and bake for 5 minutes. Remove from the oven and let it cool while you get your act together.

In another bowl, mix together the pumpkin puree, sweetened condensed milk, eggs, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and salt. Don't overmix, or I'll find you and teach you a lesson. Spoon this glorious mixture into the muffin tin on top of the crust.

Bake for 15-20 minutes until the filling is set. Let them cool, then refrigerate for at least an hour. Pop these little balls of pumpkin goodness out of the tin and into your mouth. Try not to choke on them, you incompetent fool.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, March 6 2024