Hey there, you miserable bastards! It's time for another episode of Rage Recipes, where I show you how to make a fucking delicious meal while I simultaneously vent my ire at the world of cooking and blogging. Today, we're talking about Pesto Zucchini Noodles, because who the hell needs pasta when you can use goddamn zucchini instead?
Before I unleash my wrath upon the idiocy that is spiralizers, let me give you a quick rundown of the ingredients you'll need to make this shit:
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to the spiralizers. These godforsaken contraptions are supposed to turn your vegetables into beautiful, curly strands, but in reality, they're just another piece of junk cluttering up your kitchen. Do you really need a gadget that does nothing but take up space and collect dust? No, you don't need it, you imbeciles!
But, fine, if you absolutely must use a spiralizer, go ahead, waste your money. I won't stand in your way. Just know that I'll be sitting here, shaking my head in disappointment, as you struggle to figure out how the fuck it's supposed to work.
1. First of all, grab those zucchinis and use a goddamn vegetable peeler to turn them into long, thin strips. None of that fancy spiralizer bullshit, just some good old-fashioned manual labor.
2. Once you have your zucchini noodles, bring a pot of water to a boil. Toss those noodles in and cook them for a fucking minute. That's it. We don't want them turning into mush. Nobody likes mushy vegetables, you idiots.
3. While the noodles are cooking, let's make the pesto. Grab your trusty food processor and throw in the pine nuts, basil leaves, garlic cloves, and a generous glug of that extra-virgin olive oil. Blend that shit until it's smooth and creamy.
4. Drain those zucchini noodles, you incompetent sacks of shit. Give them a good shake to get rid of any excess moisture.
5. Now, it's time to toss the noodles with the pesto. Pour that luscious green sauce all over those zucchini strands and mix well. Make sure every single fucking noodle is coated in that glorious pesto. Mix in some grated Parmesan cheese, salt, and pepper to taste, and give it all a good toss.
6. Serve this magnificent creation on a plate and garnish with more Parmesan cheese and some fresh basil leaves if you're feeling fancy. Take a goddamn picture, post it on Instagram, and watch as your miserable followers drool all over their screens.
What the actual fuck are you still doing here? All the steps are laid out for you, plain and simple. Get off your lazy ass and start cooking these damn Pesto Zucchini Noodles. I'm not here to hold your hand and guide you through life (or cooking), you know.
Now, go forth, you useless bunch of culinary imbeciles, and create this masterpiece. And remember, no spiralizers allowed!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Tuesday, February 6 2024