Today, you sorry excuse for a cook, we're tackling the recipe for Chicken and Vegetable Skewers. Why did I choose this shitshow of a recipe, you ask? Because apparently, some of you dimwits can't even figure out how to put a few pieces of meat and veggies onto a stick without burning down your entire goddamn kitchen. So, here we are, breaking it down for you like you're a toddler who just learned how to spell 'food'.
Let me tell you something that boils my blood faster than a pot of water on a high flame. It's those pretentious cooking shows where some wannabe chef prances around like they own the fucking kitchen, delicately skewering their vegetables like it's a damn art exhibition. News flash, you overpaid, under-talented hacks - cooking ain't about elegance; it's about getting shit done and stuffing your face with something tasty.
- 1 pound of chicken breast, cubed (like your brain should be)
- Assorted vegetables, chopped into chunks (use whatever hides in the back of your fridge)
- Garlic powder (because your breath probably smells worse than a garbage dump)
- Paprika (to add some color to your sad, monotonous life)
- Olive oil (so your food doesn't stick like your sorry excuses for relationships)
- Salt and pepper (because even bland-ass cooks like you need some flavor)
- Prep your chicken and vegetables, trying not to chop off a finger because we all know you're clumsy as hell.
- Thread the chicken and veggies onto skewers like you're assembling a shitty food necklace for a toddler.
- Sprinkle garlic powder, paprika, salt, and pepper all over those skewers like you're casting a spell to summon some actual cooking skills.
- Drizzle olive oil on top like you're pretending to be fancy when we all know you're a culinary disaster.
- Grill those skewers until the chicken is cooked through and the vegetables are charred to perfection; try not to burn them to a crisp like you do everything else in your life.
- Serve those skewers hot and pretend you're some master chef, even though we both know you're just a clueless moron trying to survive in the kitchen.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Monday, January 6 2025