Why the fuck did I choose to make a Cherry Tomato Tart, you ask? Well, let me tell you – these little balls of satanic redness are the perfect representation of life. They look innocently delicious on the outside, but the moment you pop them in your mouth, they explode with a fiery burst of flavor that makes you question your existence. Plus, tomatoes are like the assholes of the vegetable world – always showing up uninvited in salads, sandwiches, and now tarts. But hey, here we are, so let's get this shitshow started.

Let's talk about tart crusts, shall we? Those buttery, flaky circles of dough that are the bane of every cook's existence. Why the hell does making a crust have to be so damn complicated? And don't even get me started on blind baking – like seriously, why the fuck do I need to bake something blindly? Just lie to it! Tell that crust it looks amazing even though it's a flaky disaster waiting to happen. Ugh, cooking is such a fucking lie.

• 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour (the bitch of all flours)
• ½ cup cold unsalted butter, cubed (cut that shit like you're mad at it)
• ¼ cup ice water (because apparently water needs to be icy fucking cold)
• 1 pint cherry tomatoes, halved (the devils themselves)
• 1 cup crumbled feta cheese (the one thing that brings joy to this recipe)
• 2 tablespoons olive oil (make sure it's extra-virgin, like you)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced (make those cloves cry)
• Salt and pepper (to remind you of the inevitable blandness of life)
• Fresh basil leaves, torn (for a pop of color in this sea of red)

1. Start by making the crust, because life is all about suffering. In a large bowl, combine the flour and cold butter. Use your goddamn hands to mix it together until it resembles coarse crumbs. Slowly add in the ice water, a little at a time, until the dough comes together. Wrap that sticky mess in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
2. Preheat your oven to 375°F (or whatever temperature suits your anger levels). Roll out the dough on a floured surface and fit it into a tart pan. Prick the bottom with a fork, like it's just betrayed you.
3. In a bowl, toss the cherry tomatoes with feta, olive oil, garlic, salt, and pepper. Pour this mixture into the tart crust, because life is messy and so should this tart be.
4. Bake the tart for 25-30 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown and the tomatoes are bursting with anger. Top with torn basil leaves because fuck it, we need some beauty in this world.
5. Serve this tart hot, cold, or with a side of bitterness – whatever floats your goddamn boat. Now eat it and contemplate the meaning of life, you lazy fuck.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, September 25 2024