Goddamn it, today we're talking about Coq au Vin. Why? Because I fucking love this classic French dish, that's why! Coq au Vin is like the French version of chicken soup for the soul. It's hearty, it's rich, and it's guaranteed to make you forget about all the other bullshit in your life, at least for the brief moment that you're stuffing your face with this goddamn deliciousness.
Now, let me take a moment to address these other fucking recipe blogs out there. You know the ones I'm talking about – those happy-go-lucky, sunshine and rainbows, all-fluff-and-no-substance blogs that bore you to tears while pretending to care about your well-being. Guess what, assholes? I'm here to give you the real deal. The no-BS, straight-to-the-point, tell-it-like-it-is recipes that will light a fire under your ass and get you fucking cooking!
- 1 whole chicken, cut into pieces (because bones and joints are a bitch to deal with, but it's worth it for the flavor)
- 6 slices of bacon (because life is too short to eat boring-ass chicken)
- 1 onion, chopped (because you need something to make you cry besides your sad excuse for a life)
- 2 carrots, chopped (because eating your fucking vegetables is good for you)
- 2 cloves of garlic, minced (because garlic makes everything better)
- 1 bottle of red wine (because you need something to drown your sorrows in)
- 2 cups of chicken broth (because you gotta have that liquid to simmer your chicken in)
- 1 tablespoon of tomato paste (because fuck ketchup, am I right?)
- 1 bouquet garni (because pretending to be fancy is fun)
- 2 tablespoons of butter (because everything tastes better with a little bit of fat)
- 1 tablespoon of all-purpose flour (because nobody likes a runny sauce)
- Salt and pepper (because you should always season things properly or else you're a fucking amateur)
- Sear the bacon in a large Dutch oven or heavy-bottomed pot until crispy. Remove the bacon and set it aside, leaving the glorious bacon fat in the pot. You know you want it.
- Season the chicken pieces with salt and pepper. Working in batches, brown the chicken in the bacon fat until it's golden brown on all fucking sides. This shit takes time, so don't rush it.
- Remove the chicken from the pot and set it aside. In the same pot, add the chopped onion, carrots, and garlic. Cook those fuckers until they're soft and fragrant. It's called building flavor, you dimwits.
- Pour in the entire bottle of red wine (yes, the whole damn thing) and scrape up all the browned bits from the bottom of the pot. That's where the magic happens, you ignorant fucks.
- Add the chicken broth, tomato paste, and bouquet garni to the pot. Bring the liquid to a boil, then reduce it to a simmer. Toss in the bacon and chicken like you just don't give a damn.
- Cover the pot and let it simmer for about an hour. Use this time to contemplate the meaning of fucking life or whatever else your miserable brain likes to overanalyze.
- In a small bowl, mix the butter and flour together to make a smooth paste. This shit is called a beurre manié, in case you were curious.
- Remove the chicken from the pot and whisk in the beurre manié to thicken the sauce. Let it cook for a few minutes until it's velvety and heavenly. You're almost there, my friend.
- Throw the chicken back into the pot and simmer for another 15 minutes. This gives the flavors a chance to mingle and makes the chicken even more tender. I know, it's fucking magic.
- Serve the Coq au Vin over a bed of mashed potatoes or with a crusty baguette to soak up all that saucy goodness. And don't forget to pour yourself another glass of wine, because you deserve it, you magnificent cooking beast.
And there you have it, you lazy sack of shit! A mouthwatering Coq au Vin recipe that will knock your socks off. What are you waiting for? Get off your sorry ass and start cooking already. And if you don't, well, fuck you then.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, February 8 2024