Why the fuck did I choose to write about pesto pasta, you ask? Well, because it's a goddamn classic. It's simple, flavorful, and versatile. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to bitch about all those wannabe food bloggers trying to pass off their mediocre recipes as culinary masterpieces. You know the ones I'm talking about - those fucking idiots who think a whole paragraph about their grandmother's garden is somehow relevant to a simple dish like pesto pasta. Well, guess what? Nobody gives a flying fuck about your grandma's garden, Deborah!
- 2 cups of fresh basil leaves (None of that pre-packaged bullshit)
- 3 cloves of garlic (Not that pre-crushed crap either)
- ½ cup of pine nuts (Who the fuck decided these are so expensive anyway?)
- ½ cup of grated Parmesan cheese (The real shit, not some tasteless knock-off)
- ½ cup of extra-virgin olive oil (Don't go cheap on this. Treat yo self.)
- Salt and pepper to taste (For fuck's sake, season your goddamn food!)
- 12 ounces of spaghetti (Yeah, use the full box. You deserve it.)
- Start by boiling a big pot of water. Add a generous amount of salt, just as if you're seasoning the tears of those pathetic food bloggers. Cook the spaghetti until al dente, and then drain that shit like the life force being sucked out of your soul.
- While the spaghetti is cooking, it's time to unleash your anger on the pesto. Grab your blender or food processor, and toss in the basil leaves, garlic, pine nuts, and Parmesan cheese. Blend that shit until it's smooth and green, like a freshly mowed lawn spattered with your enemies' blood. Slowly pour in the olive oil while the machine is running, emulsifying that fucker into a creamy consistency. Season with salt and pepper, according to your dark, twisted desires.
- Now, mix the cooked spaghetti with the pesto sauce. Coat those strands of pasta like you're delivering a venomous slap across the face of mediocrity. Toss it all together until every inch of pasta is coated in the angry green goodness.
- Finally, it's time to serve this motherfucker up. Plate the pasta with a sprinkle of extra Parmesan cheese and a few fresh basil leaves on top. Take a moment to admire your creation before inhaling it with the ferocity of a starved jungle beast.
And there you have it, you lazy piece of shit. A delicious bowl of pesto pasta that will make your taste buds dance with joy. Now, get the fuck off this page, grab your apron, and start cooking. Or are you waiting for someone to do it for you, you useless sack of kitchen incompetence?
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023