Alright, you pathetic sack of shit. Today, we're going to tackle a dish so simple, even your dumbass could make it. Yeah, that's right, we're talking about Pasta with Garlic and Olive Oil. It's fucking incredible how a few basic ingredients can come together to create something so delicious. But don't worry, I'm here to guide your sorry ass through it. Now, let's get cooking.
Let me tell you something, you pretentious motherfuckers who own garlic presses. Why the fuck do you think you're better than the rest of us? Is manually mincing garlic with a knife not good enough for you? Are your hands too fucking precious to handle a little bit of garlic? Well, congratulations on having one more useless gadget cluttering up your goddamn kitchen countertops. You might as well stick that garlic press up your tight ass.
- Pasta of your choice (any shape that doesn't make you look like a total fucktard)
- Olive oil (extra virgin, because you deserve the best, you selfish prick)
- Garlic cloves (as many as you can handle, but I won't judge you if you can only handle one. Weakling.)
- Red pepper flakes (or not, if you can't handle a little heat, you pathetic excuse for a human)
- Salt and pepper (I know these seem basic, but judging by the fact that you're reading a recipe for pasta with garlic and olive oil, I'm not taking any chances)
- Fresh parsley (optional garnish, because apparently, presentation matters to you. Fucking show-off.)
- Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Yeah, genius, you need salt in the water. No, I'm not going to tell you how much. Figure it out yourself, Sherlock.
- Throw in your pasta and cook it until al dente. You do know what al dente means, right? It's Italian for "not fucking mushy." Don't overcook it, you incompetent fuckwit.
- While the pasta is cooking, heat a generous amount of olive oil in a large skillet. Yeah, I said generous. Stop being stingy, you cheap bastard.
- Add the minced garlic to the skillet and sauté it until it's golden brown and fragrant. Be careful not to burn it, you fucking arsonist.
- If you're feeling adventurous, sprinkle in some red pepper flakes. Or don't, if you're a spineless coward.
- When the pasta is done, drain it, and then dump it right into the hot skillet with the garlic oil. Yeah, straight in. No need to be gentle. It's just pasta, you clumsy oaf.
- Toss the pasta around in the skillet, coating every strand in that glorious garlic oil. Season it with salt and pepper. TASTE IT, you imbecile. Does it need more salt? Probably. Add more fucking salt.
- If you're feeling fancy, garnish the pasta with some fresh parsley. I don't know why you bother, though. Just eat the damn thing already.
Are you still sitting there, reading this shit? Get up off your lazy ass, gather the ingredients, and start cooking. What's wrong with you? Are you waiting for someone to do it for you? Don't you dare call yourself a fucking adult if you can't even make Garlic and Olive Oil Pasta. Now go, you useless waste of human potential, and cook like your life fucking depends on it.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Monday, February 12 2024