Mushroom and Spinach Risotto

Alright, you fuckers! I know you're all clinging to that fucking "Delicious Goddamn Lasagna" recipe I shared before, but it's time to move the fuck on. Today, I'm going to bless your pathetic taste buds with the motherfucking goodness of Mushroom and Spinach Risotto. Now, I'm not going to brag about how fucking amazing risotto is or how I learned to make it from some snobby chef in a Michelin-starred restaurant. No, this recipe is all about me and my goddamn angry love for cooking. So strap the fuck in and let's get this shit rolling!

Rant Time: Mushroom Hunting

Now, I know some of you assholes out there love going on some romantic bullshit mushroom hunting trip in the godforsaken woods. Let me tell you, finding those fucking mushrooms is no easy task. I mean, seriously, who the fuck came up with the idea of foraging for food? Do I look like a goddamn caveman to you? I'd rather spend my time at the local grocery store where I know my mushrooms are clean, sanitized, and not fucking toxic. Plus, the only mushrooms I care about are the ones that go straight into my belly. So, if you want to risk your life hunting mushrooms in the wilderness, be my fucking guest.

Ingredients from Hell

• 2 tablespoons of olive oil (because apparently, fucking everything starts with olive oil)
• 1 onion, finely chopped (a real kitchen master can chop onions with their goddamn eyes closed)
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced (if you can't handle garlic, then get the fuck out of my kitchen)
• 1 cup of Arborio rice (if you use any other rice for risotto, you deserve a slap in the face)
• ½ cup of white wine (drink the other half of the bottle while cooking, you miserable fuck)
• 4 cups of chicken or vegetable broth (homemade, store-bought, I don't fucking care)
• 8 ounces of mushrooms, sliced (pick any goddamn mushrooms you like, just make sure they're not poisonous)
• 2 cups of baby spinach (because you need some fucking greens in your life)
• ½ cup of grated Parmesan cheese (if your cheese isn't Parmesan, then just quit cooking altogether)
• A handful of fresh parsley, chopped (or dried parsley if you're a miserable lazy bastard)
• Salt and pepper to taste (if you don't know what salt and pepper are, I can't fucking help you)

Recipe Like a Motherfucking Pro

1. Heat the olive oil in a large fucking pan because risotto needs space to be amazing. Saute the chopped onions and minced garlic until they become translucent, just like your pathetic existence.

2. Add the Arborio rice to the pan and stir that shit around for a couple of minutes until it gets all toasty and smells fucking right.

3. Pour in the white wine because every good risotto needs some boozy motherfucking flavor. Stir it until the wine has been absorbed by the rice or until you're too drunk to care.

4. Now comes the tedious part, you lazy fuck. Gradually add one cup of the broth to the pan while stirring continuously. Wait until it's absorbed before adding the next cup. Repeat this sad and tedious process until you've used all the broth and your risotto turns into a creamy fucking masterpiece.

5. Toss in the sliced mushrooms like you're throwing a bunch of fuckers into a pit of boiling lava. Cook those mushrooms until they become tender and release their goddamn juices.

6. Finally, add the baby spinach like you give a shit about your health. Let it wilt down and blend its green goodness into the risotto. Stir in the grated Parmesan cheese because cheesy goodness is a must in this miserable world.

7. Season with salt and pepper, you pathetic sprinkle-wielding bitch. Taste it, adjust the seasoning if needed, and garnish with a handful of fresh parsley like you're some fancy-ass restaurant chef (you're not, by the way).

Get Cooking, Morons!

What the fuck are you still doing here? Get your lazy ass off the couch, gather those ingredients like a functioning human being, and start cooking this mushroom and spinach risotto masterpiece. It's time to stop being useless and start creating something goddamn delicious. Go, motherfucker, go!