Why the fuck did I choose to write a recipe for a Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche? Well, because I fucking love quiche, that's why! There's something so goddamn satisfying about a perfectly baked quiche, filled with savory ingredients and a creamy custard. And let me tell you, this fucking Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche is a damn masterpiece. The earthy mushrooms paired with the nutty Gruyere cheese create a flavor explosion that will make your taste buds scream with ecstasy. So put on your apron, sharpen your knives, and get ready to make this motherfucking quiche like a goddamn pro.

Alright, let's take a moment to talk about these pretentious bloggers who think they know it all when it comes to quiche. They prance around with their fancy-ass descriptions of ingredients and their fucking food photography that looks like it should be hanging in a museum. Well, guess what? I don't give a flying fuck about all that bullshit. I'm here to give you a simple and delicious recipe that will make you want to slap your mama. So buckle the fuck up and let's get started.

• 1 store-bought pie crust (because who the fuck has time to make one from scratch? Not this angry cook.)
• 1 tablespoon olive oil (you better use extra-virgin, none of that mediocre shit)
• 1 small onion, thinly sliced (because we don't want chunky-ass onions ruining our quiche)
• 8 ounces cremini mushrooms, sliced (be sure to give those fuckers a good cleaning)
• 4 ounces Gruyere cheese, shredded (don't even think about using Swiss, I'll come find you)
• 4 large eggs (always go for the biggest, most intimidating eggs you can find)
• 1 cup heavy cream (don't even think about using that low-fat bullshit)
• 1/2 teaspoon salt (if you don't season this quiche properly, I will personally unleash my fury)
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper (give it a good fucking grind, you lazy twat)
• A pinch of nutmeg (yeah, you heard me right, this quiche is so fancy it needs a pinch of motherfucking nutmeg)

1. Preheat your godforsaken oven to 375°F (190°C). Place the store-bought pie crust in a goddamn 9-inch pie dish and crimp the edges like you actually care about presentation. Prick the bottom of the crust with a fork to prevent it from puffing up like a goddamn balloon.
2. In a medium-sized frying pan, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Throw in those thinly sliced onions and cook them until they're translucent and just starting to caramelize. Do not, I repeat, do not burn those little fuckers.
3. Add the sliced mushrooms to the pan and cook until they release their goddamn liquid and start to brown. Don't be afraid to give them a good toss every now and then. We want those mushrooms to be cooked to perfection, not soggy pieces of shit.
4. Remove the pan from the heat and let it cool for a hot fucking minute. We don't want the mushrooms and onions to melt the delicate cheese and scramble our eggs. Once it's cool, sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over the bottom of the pie crust. Yeah, get that cheese nice and cozy.
5. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs like they owe you money. Add the heavy cream, salt, black pepper, and that beautiful pinch of nutmeg. Whisk it all together until it's a smooth and creamy mixture. Pour this heavenly concoction over the cheese, mushrooms, and onions in the pie crust.
6. Slap that quiche-filled pie dish into the preheated oven and bake it for about 30-35 minutes, or until the center is set and the top is golden brown. You want it to jiggle a little in the middle, but not resemble a fucking tsunami.
7. Take the quiche out of the oven and let it cool for a few minutes before slicing into that motherfucker. Serve it up hot or at room temperature, or eat it straight out of the fridge like the angry monster you are.

What the fuck are you waiting for? I just gave you the recipe for a Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche that will blow your goddamn mind. So put down your phone, get off your lazy ass, and start cooking. I'm sick and tired of you sitting there, staring at this post like a mindless zombie. Get in the kitchen and whip up this fucking quiche. Trust me, it's worth every goddamn second.