Oh, look who decided to join me today in the fiery depths of my culinary rage. We're talking about Margherita Pizza, the motherfucking classic that is as simple as it is goddamn delicious. I chose this recipe because it has been bastardized and turned into a sad, sorry excuse for a pizza by pizza joints all over the godforsaken world. We need to bring it back to its pure, raging glory.
Let me take a moment to unleash the beast that is my hatred for those who dare to defile the sacred Margherita Pizza with unnecessary and disturbing toppings. Listen up, you culinary cretins! Margherita Pizza is all about the symbiotic relationship between tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, basil, and that deliciously charred crust. It doesn't need your fucking pineapple, your canned olives, or your absurd sprinkling of corn. I see you, mushroom lovers, trying to infiltrate this slice of heaven with your fungi abomination. Well, I have news for you: your taste buds are in dire need of rehabilitation.
To make this Margherita Pizza, you'll need the following ingredients:
- 1 pizza dough (store-bought or homemade, you lazy fuck)
- 1 cup of San Marzano tomatoes (because anything else is pure blasphemy)
- 8 ounces of fresh mozzarella (none of that pre-shredded crap)
- Handful of fresh basil leaves (because dried basil is a fucking tragedy)
- Extra-virgin olive oil (because your pizza deserves the best goddamn oil)
- Salt and pepper (to season, you imbecile)
- Preheat your oven to a searing 475 degrees Fahrenheit, you infernal heat chamber.
- Roll out your pizza dough on a lightly floured surface and transfer it to a baking sheet or pizza stone. Use your fucking hands to shape it into a perfect round. Imperfections are not allowed in this kingdom.
- Drizzle your dough with the finest extra-virgin olive oil. Spread those precious San Marzano tomatoes on top, crushing them gently with your fingers. Here's your chance to release your anger and frustration.
- Generously sprinkle your fresh mozzarella on top, because we don't do moderation here. This is a feast for the senses.
- Scatter your basil leaves on top like they're fucking confetti celebrating this masterpiece.
- Now, slide that enraged creation into your fiery oven and let it bake for about 12-15 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown and the cheese is bubbling like a devilish cauldron.
- Remove it from the oven, but don't you dare start fucking drooling yet. Let it cool for a minute or two, allowing the flavors to meld and intensify. Patience, my tortured friend.
- Slice that pizza into divine triangles of indulgence and devour each piece with all the fury and intensity of a starved beast. Let the sauce drip down your chin, the cheese stretch with every bite, and the basil dance on your taste buds.
And here we fucking are, at the end of yet another recipe. What the hell are you still doing here? Get your ingredients, preheat that fucking oven, and unleash your culinary rage upon the world. The time for devouring a Margherita Pizza is now, you hopeless procrastinator. Chop chop!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, February 14 2024