Mango Curry Shrimp

So, today I've got a recipe for all you motherfuckers who love shrimp. And not just any shrimp. Shrimp swimming in a fucking delicious mango curry sauce. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Why mango? That shit doesn't belong in a curry!" Well, guess what? I don't give a flying fuck what you think. This is my recipe, and I say mango is the fucking bomb in curry.

Let's talk about coconut milk, shall we? Fucking coconut milk, the staple ingredient in every curry recipe known to man. I'm sick and tired of all these pompous recipe blogs preaching about the purity of homemade coconut milk. "Oh, just buy a fresh coconut, crack it open, and blend that shit until it looks like milk." Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell has time for that? Just go to the grocery store and pick up a can of pre-packaged, easy-as-fuck coconut milk. It tastes just as good, and you won't have to deal with hacking into coconuts like some goddamn survivalist on a deserted island.

• 1 pound of shrimp, peeled and deveined (yeah, waste your fucking time doing that)
• 1 ripe mango, peeled and diced (if you can't find a ripe one, I don't know, go fuck yourself)
• 1 onion, finely chopped (how about I finely chop your fucking face with a rusty knife?!)
• 3 cloves of garlic, minced (don't be a lazy shit, mince it yourself)
• 1 can of coconut milk (see my rant above, you lazy fuck)
• 2 tablespoons of curry powder (buy the best damn curry powder you can find, or face my wrath)
• 1 tablespoon of soy sauce (make sure it's not that low-sodium crap, we need some real fucking flavor here)
• 1 tablespoon of brown sugar (get the dark brown shit or don't even bother)
• Salt, to taste (taste it and adjust, dumbass)
• Chopped cilantro, for garnish (if you hate cilantro, just skip this step and deal with your shitty life)
• Cooked rice, for serving (I swear, if you don't know how to cook rice, I will hunt you down and force-feed you raw grains)

1. First, heat some oil in a large pan over medium-high heat (if you can't figure out how much fucking oil to use, I'm not even going to tell you).
2. Add the chopped onion and minced garlic, and sauté until they're fucking golden and smell heavenly (approximately 3-4 minutes, but seriously, just use your goddamn senses).
3. Toss in the curry powder and stir it around like you mean it. I'm talking violent stirring here, people. You want those flavors to come alive (about 30 seconds should do the trick).
4. Now, dump in the coconut milk and give it a good stir. Let that shit simmer for a few minutes so the flavors can mingle and marry. But don't let it boil. We're not trying to cook the living hell out of everything (you better fucking watch it closely).
5. Time to add the diced mango. Go ahead, gently fold it into the sauce. Treat it like the delicate fruit it is, you savage (let it cook for about 2 minutes until it's soft and slightly tender).
6. Toss in the shrimp and soy sauce. Cook those little creatures until they turn pink and curl up into delectable, succulent morsels. Oh, and don't forget to season the whole shebang with some salt. I don't care if it's a pinch or a fistful, just make it fucking taste good.
7. Once everything is cooked to perfection, sprinkle in the brown sugar and stir it in to balance the flavors. Let it simmer for another minute or so (but don't you dare walk away).
8. Now, serve that magnificent creation over a bed of fluffy white rice. Garnish it with a handful of chopped cilantro, if you're not one of those sorry excuses for human beings who despise the herb.

And there you have it, you lazy, indecisive fucks. Mango Curry Shrimp that will make your taste buds sing and your belly fucking dance with joy. Now, get off your sorry ass and start cooking. And remember, if you burn this shit, I'll be watching.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, January 3 2024