So, today's recipe is for all you fancy fuckers out there who claim to have a sophisticated palate. This one's for the posh pricks who think they're too good for regular rice pudding. Well, let me tell you something, you pretentious twats, this Mango Coconut Rice Pudding is going to blow your goddamn minds! It's the perfect mix of creamy, sweet, and tropical flavors that will transport you to a fucking beach in the Caribbean. So put on your designer sunglasses, sit your pompous ass down, and let's get cooking!
Now, let me take a moment to address all you self-proclaimed "foodies" out there. You know who you are. The ones who think they're fucking culinary gods just because they know how to make a hollandaise sauce or foam some shit. Well, newsflash, dickheads! Cooking isn't about showing off your skills or impressing your equally pretentious friends. Cooking is about making delicious food that you can shove in your mouth and enjoy. So put down your molecular gastronomy kit and get back to basics. This Mango Coconut Rice Pudding is simple, but it'll knock your fucking socks off.
- 1 cup of arborio rice, because you need something to fucking cook with
- 2 cups of coconut milk, the kind from a can because who has time to make it from scratch
- 1 cup of mango puree, or as I like to call it, the ambrosia of the gods
- 1/2 cup of sugar, because life isn't sweet enough on its own
- A pinch of salt, because without it, your taste buds will revolt
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, for that fancy, vanilla-y goodness
- Chopped mangoes and shredded coconut for garnish, because presentation matters, you shallow assholes
- Grab a fucking saucepan and combine the arborio rice, coconut milk, mango puree, sugar, and pinch of salt. Stir it well to make sure everything is cozy in there.
- Now, bring that shit to a boil over medium heat. Once it's bubbling, reduce the heat to low and let it simmer for about 25 minutes. Stir it occasionally so it doesn't turn into a sticky mess.
- When the rice is tender and has absorbed most of the liquid, remove it from the heat and stir in the vanilla extract. Let that madness cool for a bit, because you don't want to burn your impatient fucking tongue.
- Once it's cooled, put the rice pudding into individual serving dishes. Now, here's where you can get creative. Take those chopped mangoes and shredded coconut and sprinkle them on top. Arrange them in a fancy pattern, or just dump them on like a fucking savage. It's your call.
- Pop those dishes in the fridge for a couple of hours so everything can get nice and chilled. And voila! Your Mango Coconut Rice Pudding is ready to be devoured.
And here we are, at the end of yet another fucking recipe. Are you still here, you lazy piece of shit? What the fuck are you waiting for? Get off your ass and start making this Mango Coconut Rice Pudding! Trust me, you won't regret it. And if you do, well, I don't want to hear your whining. Go cry into your store-bought macarons and leave the real cooking to the rest of us. Bon appétit, you useless wankers!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Tuesday, December 26 2023