Mango Coconut Chia Pudding

Alright you miserable fucks, today we're gonna talk about a recipe that's perfect for those hot summer days when you want something refreshing and light. This motherfucking Mango Coconut Chia Pudding is gonna blow your goddamn taste buds away. I chose this recipe because it's fucking simple and quick to make, and it's a great way to use up those overripe mangos that are rotting away on your kitchen counter.

Rant Alert: Chia Seeds - Nature's Acne

Before we dive into this recipe, hell, let's take a moment to bitch about chia seeds. These little spawn of Satan have taken over the fucking health food market because they're supposedly rich in omega-3 fatty acids, fiber, and all that shit. But let me tell you something, true believers, these tiny black dots are just nature's version of those pesky little pimples that pop up on your forehead right before a big date. They get stuck in your teeth, they get stuck in your throat, and they'll haunt your fucking dreams. But I won't deny that chia seeds add a nice, crunchy texture to this pudding, so I guess we can tolerate them for now.

Ingredients from the Depths of Hell

• 1 ripe mango, peeled and pitted (or don't, I don't give a shit)
• 1 cup full-fat coconut milk (because low-fat is for losers)
• 3 tablespoons chia seeds (goddamn it, fine, use them)
• 1 tablespoon maple syrup (pretend it's organic, if it makes you feel better)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (the real deal, not that imitation bullshit)
• A pinch of salt (you'll need it to balance out your shitty personality)

Recipe that Even a Braindead Monkey Should Be Able to Follow

First things first, grab that ripe mango and give it a good fucking dice. Now, throw it into a blender and blend until it's as smooth as a baby's ass. No chunks, no excuses. Got it? Good. Take a moment to appreciate the splendor of this goddamn fruit puree.

Next, in a medium-sized bowl, combine the coconut milk, chia seeds, maple syrup, vanilla extract, and that pinch of salt. Get a fucking whisk and stir it like you owe it money. You want all those chia seeds to be coated in the creamy coconut milk. Let it sit for a few minutes until it thickens up like a chunky whore.

Pour half of the coconut chia mixture into serving glasses or bowls if you're too fucking cheap to afford classy glassware. Now, layer that shit with a generous amount of mango puree. Top it off with the rest of the coconut chia mixture and give it a nice swirl to create a masterpiece of fucking art.

Cover those containers with plastic wrap and shove them into the refrigerator for at least 4 hours. Yeah, I know it's a long fucking wait, but patience is not only a virtue, it's also a test of your ability to control your primal urges. And don't even think about skipping this step, you impatient fuck.

When the time is right, take those glorious Mango Coconut Chia Puddings out of the fridge and admire their beauty. Top them with some fresh mango chunks or shredded coconut if you're feeling fancy, but if you can't be bothered, they're perfect on their own.

Now, stop salivating and start eating, you self-indulgent assholes. Grab a spoon and dive right into that creamy, coconutty goodness. Let the flavors dance on your goddamn tongue as you savor each bite. And remember, life is short, so don't waste your time reading fucking recipes. Cook, eat, and be happy.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023