Well, well, well, look who's back for another fucking recipe. Did you get lost on your way to another lousy, snooty cooking blog? Not to worry, you're in the right place. Today, I've got a recipe that will blow your taste buds away and make you forget about all the other shitty salsas you've ever had. Get ready for the mouthwatering deliciousness of my Mango Avocado Salsa Shrimp.
Listen up, you sorry excuse for a salsa eater. I've had it up to here with these boring-ass salsas that lack any pizzazz. It's like eating a cardboard box soaked in tomato juice. What happened to the days when salsa packed a punch, when it made you feel alive? Nowadays, it's all about the mild and tasteless crap. Well, not on my watch.
- 1 pound of jumbo shrimp, peeled and deveined (make sure those little fuckers are cleaned properly)
- 2 ripe mangoes, diced (choose ones that are so ripe they practically burst in your hand)
- 2 ripe avocados, diced (you better pick the creamiest, dreamiest avocado you can find)
- 1 small red onion, finely chopped (because god forbid we forget the onion, the unsung fucking hero of every dish)
- 1 jalapeño pepper, minced (feel free to adjust the spice level according to your pansy-ass tolerance)
- 1/4 cup of fresh cilantro, chopped (yes, cilantro, you either love it or hate it, there's no fucking in-between)
- Juice of 2 limes (make sure to roll those juicy bastards on the counter and give them a good squeeze)
- Salt and pepper, to taste (don't be shy with the seasoning, you donkey)
- Tortilla chips, for serving (grab the sturdiest fucking chips you can find, because no one likes a soggy mess)
- Start by grilling the shrimp. Preheat your grill to a medium-high heat and give it a good scrub, you filthy animal. Season the shrimp generously with salt and pepper, then grill them for 2-3 minutes per side until they turn into succulent, juicy pieces of perfection. Set aside and let them cool off while you prepare the salsa.
- In a large bowl, combine the diced mangoes, avocados, red onion, jalapeño pepper, and cilantro. Give it a good toss with a wooden spoon, and if you don't have a wooden spoon then just use your goddamn hands. I'm not here to judge your weird kitchen tools.
- Squeeze the life out of those limes and pour the fresh citrusy juice all over your salsa. Don't be gentle, we want that tangy goodness to coat every corner of this masterpiece. Season with salt and pepper, and give it another mix. Taste it, you lazy piece of shit, and adjust the seasonings if needed.
- Now it's time to get intimate with your shrimp. Grab those gorgeous grilled bastards and chop them up into bite-sized pieces. Yeah, baby, we want the shrimp and salsa to get cozy, no room for big-ass shrimps in this party.
- Add the chopped shrimp to the salsa bowl and mix it all together. Make sure every shrimp gets a good salsa bath, like a sensual salsa fucking ritual or something. Sorry, got carried away there.
- Grab your sturdy-ass tortilla chips and get ready for the flavor explosion. Dip a chip into the Mango Avocado Salsa Shrimp you just created and transport yourself to flavor heaven. Savor each bite, you lucky bastard, because this shit is the real deal.
And now look at you, still sitting there like a fucking idiot instead of making this magnificent dish. What are you waiting for? Get off your lazy ass and start cooking! Your mouth is going to thank you, you ungrateful twat.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Friday, February 9 2024