Lentil and Vegetable Soup: A Furious Feast for the Soulless

Today, my furious foodie friends, I present to you a recipe that will leave you wallowing in your own misery: Lentil and Vegetable Soup. Oh, how I detest this pathetic excuse for sustenance! But alas, I know some of you soulless beings enjoy consuming what passes for "healthy" fare. So here it is, my begrudging offering.

A Rant About Vegetable Soup

Vegetable soup, oh the horror! Whoever came up with the idea of boiling a bunch of colorless veggies together and calling it a meal needs to be sentenced to a lifetime of eating this tasteless mush. And let's not forget those "clean eaters" who swear by devouring this crap as a path to salvation. Newsflash, you sorriful creatures: veggies alone won't save you from your sad and empty existence!

Ingredients from the Depths of Despair

For the Soup:

• 1 cup of black lentils, because apparently, brown ones don't cut it
• 1 onion, finely chopped (as if it matters)
• 2 carrots, diced (just like your hopes and dreams)
• 2 stalks of celery, thinly sliced (because life is too short to have substantial chunks)
• 4 cloves of garlic, minced (in your futile attempt to mask the flavor)
• 1 can of diced tomatoes (though why you'd want to add more misery is beyond me)
• 4 cups of vegetable broth (in case you need something to drown your sorrows in)
• 1 teaspoon dried thyme (because even time itself hates this abomination)
• Salt and pepper, to taste (because who cares, really?)

For the Soulless Garnish:

• Fresh parsley, chopped (to add a touch of color to this drab nightmare)
• Croutons, because you'll need some kind of distraction from the insipidity

The Recipe: A Journey Into Sadness

1. In a large pot, heat some oil over medium heat. Add the chopped onion and sauté until it becomes translucent, as if it had a purpose in life.

2. Throw in the diced carrots, sliced celery, and minced garlic. Cook for a few minutes, stirring occasionally, or until you start questioning the choices that led you to this godforsaken recipe.

3. Now, add the can of diced tomatoes, vegetable broth, and those cursed black lentils. Sprinkle in the dried thyme and season with salt and pepper. Stir everything together and bring it to a boil, for who knows what purpose.

4. Once the soup has reached a boiling point, reduce the heat and simmer for about 20 minutes. Stir occasionally and let misery simmer in the pot.

5. Serve this pitiful excuse for a meal in bowls, garnished with fresh parsley and topped with croutons, because even the depths of despair deserve some variation in texture.

Get Off Your Sorry Ass and Start Cooking!

And here we are at the end of this dismal recipe. What are you waiting for? Get off your sorry ass, gather these wretched ingredients, and embark on this journey into sadness. Remember, the clock is ticking, and the sooner you start cooking, the sooner you'll be able to indulge in the anguish of eating this Lentil and Vegetable Soup. Enjoy, you pitiful creatures!

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, February 1 2024