Lemon Butter Asparagus: A Recipe to Make Your Taste Buds Cry Tears of Joy

Oh, hello there, you useless sack of shit. Today, we are going to talk about a recipe that will make your taste buds stand up and salute. Yes, my culinary masochist, I present to you the Lemon Butter Asparagus recipe. I chose this recipe because, well, it's fucking delicious and I want to share the joy of devouring it while simultaneously hating my existence.

A Furious Rant About Roasting Vegetables

Roasting vegetables, oh boy! Let me tell you, you pretentious fucks love to roast anything and everything. What is it about roasting vegetables that makes you food snobs cream your organic, gluten-free pants? Is it the fact that you can feel superior for wasting hours of your pathetic life waiting for these veggies to fucking caramelize? Well, congratulations, you self-righteous pricks! Shall we grab a cold one and watch the paint dry on the goddamn walls too? Roasting vegetables is the culinary equivalent of watching paint dry. If you're into that shit, then by all means, go ahead and roast away. But for the love of all that is unholy, spare me your long-winded stories about how caramelized onions changed your life. They didn't. You're still an insufferable twat.

Ingredients of Satan's Delight

• 2 pounds of fresh asparagus, fuckers
• 3 tablespoons of melted butter, because obviously, a recipe cannot exist without converting liquid cow drippings into a fucking sauce
• 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice, as if God Himself decided that lemon trees have a fucking purpose in this godforsaken world
• 2 cloves of minced garlic, because it wouldn't be a recipe without those pungent little fuckers
• Salt and pepper to taste, just in case you thought your taste buds could handle some seasoning

Instructions to Awaken Your Inner Kitchen Demon

1. Preheat your oven to 425°F, or whatever the fuck temperature you're able to comprehend.
2. Trim the tough ends of the asparagus, because we wouldn't want anything tough in our lives, would we? No, we'd rather spend hours spiraling down the rabbit hole of anxiety brought on by overcooked vegetables.
3. Place the asparagus on a baking sheet, you absolute moron. Make sure they are in a single layer, just like your sad existence.
4. Drizzle the melted butter and freshly squeezed lemon juice all over those green fuckers. Show them what it feels like to be loved and hated at the same time.
5. Add the minced garlic because, you know, we need something to remind us of our wretched lives.
6. Season with salt and pepper, because even vegetables deserve a taste of our collective anger and disappointment.
7. Toss everything together like a goddamn mariachi band performing at a funeral.
8. Roast the asparagus in the preheated oven for about 12-15 minutes, or until they are tender enough to satisfy your pathetic excuse for a dental system.
9. Serve those bittersweet green sticks with a side of sarcasm and a sprinkle of crushed dreams.

Now, what the fuck are you still doing here? I've given you all the tools you need to make this Lemon Butter Asparagus masterpiece. Start cooking, you lazy dipshit, and experience the joy of simultaneously hating and loving yourself through the magic of food.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023