Good morning, you fucking pathetic creatures! Today, I have the perfect recipe that will brighten up your miserable mornings and make you forget about the never-ending existential dread that consumes your sad existence. I present to you my heavenly creation: Lemon Blueberry Pancakes.
Before we get into the recipe, can I just take a moment to express my boiling rage towards those soulless pancake mixes lining the shelves of every grocery store? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with people? Are we so goddamn lazy that we can't even mix our own batter? Or are we just too intoxicated by the enticing promise of convenience? It's a disgrace, I tell you.
And don't even get me started on those obnoxious pancake bloggers who flood the internet with their bland, uninspiring recipes. They think they're so clever with their overly enthusiastic write-ups and perfectly lit photographs. Well, guess what, you pancake posers? Your pancakes are shit, and your blogs are even shittier. I’m here to show the world what real fucking pancakes are made of!
- 1 ½ cups of all-purpose flour (You better fucking sift it or I swear I'll find you)
- 3 tablespoons of granulated sugar (Because we all need something sweet to mask the bitter taste of life)
- 1 tablespoon of baking powder (To make these pancakes rise like your hopes and dreams never will)
- ½ teaspoon of salt (The tears you cry while trying to make something of yourself)
- 1 cup of buttermilk (Don't you dare even think about using that cowardly regular milk)
- 1/3 cup of fresh lemon juice (Squeeze the fucking life out of those lemons!)
- 2 tablespoons of melted butter (Because everything is better with butter, you imbeciles)
- Zest of 1 lemon (To add a burst of zest to your miserable existence)
- 1 egg (Preferably from a chicken that has seen some shit, just like you)
- 1 cup of fresh blueberries (Because life is just a random assortment of fleeting moments)
- In a fucking large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Mix it all together like the disgruntled mess you are until it's nicely incorporated.
- In a separate bowl, whisk together the buttermilk, lemon juice, melted butter, lemon zest, and egg. Beat that shit until it's as smooth as a silver-tongued devil trying to manipulate you.
- Pour the wet mixture into the dry ingredients and stir violently until just combined. Do not overmix! We want these pancakes fluffy, not fucking dense.
- Gently fold in the fresh blueberries, as if you're trying to delicately handle the fleeting moments of happiness that occasionally grace your pathetic life.
- Heat a non-stick skillet over medium heat because you don't deserve a cast-iron pan. Pour a spoonful of batter onto the skillet and cook until bubbles form on the surface. Flip that pancake like your decision to become a decent human being flipping off a cliff. Cook for another minute or so until golden brown.
- Repeat the process with the remaining batter, swearing under your breath with each pancake because life is just an endless cycle of tedious tasks.
- Serve your fucking golden stacks of goodness with a pat of butter and a generous drizzle of maple syrup. Eat those pancakes with reckless abandon, savoring each bite as if it's the only joy you'll ever experience.
And now, gather up your shattered self-esteem and start cooking, you fucking failure! I swear, if I catch you idling around, procrastinating like the disappointment you are, I'll come for you. Don't you fucking dare defy me!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Sunday, December 17 2023