Rage Recipes

Crab Cakes

Ah, crab cakes. The delightful little nuggets of pure crustacean joy. Today, we are going to tackle this classic dish because I fucking love crab cakes, and I want you to love them too. But first, let's get a few things straight.

The Damn Crab Cake Debacle

Now, let's take a moment to talk about those pretentious asshats who think they know it all when it comes to crab cakes. They babble on about the perfect blend of ingredients, the ideal cooking time, and the precise technique for forming the goddamn patties. Well, fuck them. We're here to make some crab cakes that will blow their pompous minds.

These douchebags also have the audacity to argue about whether crab cakes should be made with lump crab meat or backfin crab meat. Let me tell you something, it doesn't fucking matter. Use whatever the hell you can get your hands on. As long as there's crab in there, we're good to go.

Ingredients:

• 1 pound fresh crab meat (lump or backfin, you do you)
• 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (Panko, you fancy son of a bitch)
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise (full fat, none of that diet bullshit)
• 1 egg (preferably from a chicken that was treated like a king)
• 2 tablespoons fresh parsley, chopped (don't skip this shit, it adds some goddamn freshness)
• 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard (because regular mustard is for losers)
• 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce (such a fancy fucking word, say it with me now, WOR-SES-TER-SHIRE)
• 1/2 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning (or more, because we're not pansies here)
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (because we like it hot, baby)
• Vegetable oil (for frying, don't use olive oil, or you'll pay the price)

Instructions:

1. In a large fucking bowl, combine the crab meat, breadcrumbs, mayonnaise, egg, parsley, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, Old Bay seasoning, and cayenne pepper. Mix that shit together until everything is well incorporated. Don't be gentle, get in there and show it who's boss!

2. Now, it's time for some fucking shaping. Take a chunk of the mixture and form it into a patty. Repeat until you've shaped all of the mixture into beautiful crab cakes. Make them as big or as small as your little heart desires. Just don't make them too thin, or they'll crumble and make you weep like a little bitch.

3. Heat up some vegetable oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. When it's hot enough to make you flinch, carefully place the crab cakes in the pan. Cook those glorious bastards for about 4 minutes per side, until they're golden brown and crispy on the outside. Don't fuck it up and let them burn, or I swear I'll come over there and feed you these crab cakes myself.

4. Once the crab cakes are cooked to perfection, remove them from the pan and let them drain on some paper towels. This step is just to make sure they're not greasy as fuck. We want our crab cakes to be crispy on the outside and moist on the inside, not dripping oil like a fucking oil spill.

5. Serve those amazing crab cakes on a goddamn platter, garnished with a sprinkle of fresh parsley and a squeeze of lemon. You can also serve them with tartar sauce or cocktail sauce if you're feeling fancy. Just don't forget to devour them like you've never tasted anything so fucking divine in your life.

Now, why the hell are you still reading this? Get off your lazy ass and start cooking! These crab cakes won't make themselves, you know. Chop, chop!