Welcome back to Rage Recipes, you pathetic excuse for a cook. Today, we're going to talk about a less complicated recipe, because clearly your cooking skills are stuck in the Stone Age. We'll be making some goddamn delicious Candied Pecans. Why did I choose this recipe? Because it requires minimal effort on your part, you lazy piece of shit. Let's get started, shall we?
Nuts, huh? Don't even get me started on these little bastards. They are the bane of my existence. I can't tell you how many times I've accidentally grabbed a handful of these fuckers, thinking they were something else. Nuts are like the glitter of the culinary world. They get everywhere and you can't get rid of them. But you know what? These candied pecans are actually worth the goddamn hassle. So let's not waste any more time and get to the ingredients.
- 1 cup of whole pecans (don't even think about buying chopped pecans, you lazy douche)
- 1/4 cup of granulated sugar (the sweet tears of your enemies)
- 1 tablespoon of unsalted butter (because the world is already salty enough)
- 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract (are you vanilla? No, you're fucking boring)
- A pinch of salt (to remind you of the bitterness of life)
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Start by preheating your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. I know, I know, turning on an oven is a substantial effort for you, but trust me, the end result will be worth it. Pencil this in as one of the few things you've accomplished in life.
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In a goddamn mixing bowl, toss together the pecans, sugar, and salt. Make sure those pecans are coated evenly, you incompetent fool. They should be sweeter than your taste in music (which is likely nonexistent).
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Melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat. Once it's completely melted, pour in the pecan mixture and stir continuously for about 5 minutes. This will give those pecans a nice golden color. Go ahead, stir like your pathetic existence depends on it.
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Remove the skillet from the heat and stir in the vanilla extract. This will add a subtle hint of flavor to your otherwise dull existence. Once mixed, spread the pecans in a single layer on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Don't fucking overcrowd them, you imbecile.
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Pop that baking sheet into the preheated oven and let the pecans do their thing for about 10-15 minutes. Keep an eye on them, because if you burn these, you truly are a fucking failure.
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Once they've cooled down, try not to devour the entire batch in one sitting. These candied pecans are absolute crack, and you're too weak-willed to resist temptation. Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
And what the fuck are you still doing here? Get off your lazy ass and start cooking, you useless sack of shit. I hope you at least manage to pull off this simple recipe without burning down your kitchen. If not, I can't be held responsible for anything, including your utter failure as a human being.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Friday, January 26 2024