Today's recipe is one that will set your taste buds on fire while simultaneously caressing them with a touch of sweetness. It's time to talk about the motherfucking Honey Sriracha Glazed Tofu! Why did I choose this recipe, you ask? Well, fuck, because it's a goddamn flavor explosion that will make you scream out for more. So put on your asbestos gloves and prepare for a culinary experience that will leave you begging for mercy.

Now, let me take a moment to unleash my fury upon the topic of fucking tofu. Oh, tofu, you sorry excuse for a protein. You're like the beige wallpaper of the food world – bland, boring, and utterly fucking tasteless. I swear, tofu must have been created by some sadistic fuck who wanted to punish vegetarians and vegans with a life devoid of flavor. But fear not, my fellow culinary warriors, because today we're going to transform this fucking sponge into a fiery and orgasmic delight. Prepare to have your mind blown!

• 1 block of extra-firm tofu (make sure it's fucking dry, or I'll come over and slap you silly)
• 2 tablespoons of soy sauce (get the full-sodium version, none of that weak-ass shit)
• 2 tablespoons of honey (and don't cheap out on this, get the good stuff or I'll kick your ass)
• 1 tablespoon of sriracha sauce (feel free to add more if you're a goddamn spice glutton)
• 1 tablespoon of rice vinegar (don't even think about substituting this with any other vinegar or I'll find you and pour it down your throat)
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced (if you don't have fresh garlic, I might have to question your existence)
• A pinch of salt (use your judgment, but don't be a fucking wuss)
• A sprinkle of sesame seeds (optional, but who the fuck are we kidding, you want that extra crunch)

1. First, you need to press that block of tofu like your goddamn life depends on it. Wrap it in a kitchen towel, put something heavy on top (like a cast-iron fucking skillet), and let that squishy ass sponge drain for at least 30 minutes. We're aiming for tofu that's drier than your love life, people.
2. Once your tofu feels as dehydrated as your mom's sex life, it's time to cut it into bite-sized pieces. I'm talking about cubes or rectangles, none of that fancy-ass shit like triangles or hexagons. We're here to eat, not to fucking solve a geometry puzzle.
3. Next, it's marinade time, motherfuckers! In a bowl, mix together the soy sauce, honey, sriracha sauce, rice vinegar, minced garlic, and a pinch of salt. Give it a good stir until everything is incorporated and the flavors are mingling like a bunch of drunken assholes at a party.
4. Toss those tofu pieces into the marinade and let them soak it all in for at least 15 minutes. If you're feeling patient, you can leave it for up to an hour, but let's be real, who the fuck has time for that?
5. While your tofu is marinading (yes, I just made that word up), preheat your oven to 400°F (200°C). You want that shit nice and hot for the tofu to crisp up and caramelize like a motherfucking rockstar.
6. Place your marinated tofu pieces on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Make sure they're not touching each other, because we want each piece to bask in the glaze without any fucking interference.
7. Pop that tray in the hot fucking oven and let the magic happen for 20-25 minutes. Keep an eye on those bad boys, because you don't want them to burn and ruin this glorious creation.
8. Once the time is up, take out the tray and sprinkle some sesame seeds on top if you're feeling fancy. Then, slide that shit back in the oven for another 5 minutes, just to give the sesame seeds a chance to toast and add some extra pizzazz.
9. Finally, remove the heavenly Honey Sriracha Glazed Tofu from the oven and let it rest for a minute or two. I know it's tempting to dive right in, but trust me, it's worth the fucking wait.

And there you have it, you lazy sack of shit! The recipe for Honey Sriracha Glazed Tofu – a dish that will make you question everything you thought you knew about tofu. It's a fucking flavor bomb that combines the sweetness of honey with the fiery kick of sriracha, all perfectly balanced to create a symphony of taste in your goddamn mouth. So stop reading this shit and start cooking! Time is ticking, and your stomach isn't going to fucking feed itself!

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Friday, December 29 2023