Oh, hello there, you poor pathetic sack of shit who can't cook for themselves. Today, I have a recipe that might just help you regain a shred of respectability in the kitchen. We're talking about some fucking Honey Soy Glazed Tofu, so pay attention, you worthless culinary cretin.
Before we dive into this recipe, let's take a moment to talk about all those ignorant dipshits who scoff at tofu. You know who I'm talking about—the mouth breathers who think tofu is a tasteless, slimy blob of bullshit. Well, let me set the record straight, you imbeciles. Tofu is an absolute fucking chameleon when it comes to flavors. It soaks up marinades and glazes like your lazy ass soaks up excuses for not knowing how to cook. So, if you're one of those tofu haters, kindly fuck off and go back to your lame-ass grilled chicken, okay?
- 1 block of firm tofu (Hey, look! It's tofu! You thought we could make a tofu dish without tofu? Get the fuck outta here with that stupidity.)
- 2 tablespoons of soy sauce (Go ahead and grab your trusty bottle of soy sauce that's been sitting in the back of your refrigerator for months. Embrace the flavor, assholes.)
- 1 tablespoon of honey (Yeah, yeah, I know some of you dumbshits prefer bullshit like agave syrup or maple syrup. Well, guess what? Honey is where it's fucking at. Get some balls, you pansies.)
- 1 tablespoon of rice vinegar (This is where you'll pay your respects to the Orient, assholes. No, I don't mean you should bow down to a damn statue. Just grab that bottle of rice vinegar and fucking pour.)
- 1 teaspoon of minced garlic (Sure, you could use that jarred crap that's been sitting on your shelf since the Dark Ages. But if you want this dish to be worth a damn, do yourself a favor and mince your own goddamn garlic, you lazy fucks.)
- 1 teaspoon of grated ginger (Oh, the dreaded ginger. I know peeling and grating ginger is a pain in the ass, but if you can't handle that, you don't deserve shit. Suck it up, buttercup.)
- 1 tablespoon of cornstarch (Don't be a fucking idiot and think you can skip this. Cornstarch is the secret to getting that glossy, sticky glaze coating your goddamn tofu. I swear, if you skimp on this, I'll find you and shove this recipe up your pathetic excuse for a culinary rectum.)
- Sesame seeds for garnish (Yeah, we need to make this dish look somewhat presentable. Just sprinkle some sesame seeds on top like fairy dust. Magic, fuckers.)
Now that you've managed to assemble all the necessary ingredients, it's time to put your disappointment-ridden life on hold and get to cooking this Honey Soy Glazed Tofu. Ready or not, you useless sack of shit?
First things first, we need to get rid of that excess moisture in the tofu. No, I don't mean you should lick it or some weird fetish shit like that. Just follow these simple steps:
- Remove the tofu from its package, you nimrod.
- Wrap it in a clean dish towel or paper towels, you lazy fuck.
- Place a heavy object on top, like a goddamn cast-iron skillet, and let it sit for 20 fucking minutes. We want that tofu to be as dry as your sense of humor.
- Unwrap the tofu and cut it into bite-sized pieces. Look at you, finally accomplishing something in your sad existence.
Now it's time for the glaze, you incompetent twits. Follow these steps and don't fuck it up, okay?
- In a small bowl, combine the soy sauce, honey, rice vinegar, minced garlic, grated ginger, and cornstarch. Stir that shit together until it's smooth like velvet.
- Heat some oil in a skillet over medium-high heat. Don't get too excited and set your kitchen on fire. We're not in the mood for a crispy critter today.
- Once the oil is sizzling, add the tofu pieces and cook them until they're golden brown on all sides. Pretend you know what "golden brown" looks like.
- Pour the glaze over the tofu and stir it around gently. Coat that tofu like it's been begging for a glaze its whole life.
- Cook everything for another couple of minutes until the glaze thickens and clings to the tofu like your mom clings to her wine bottle.
Almost done, you pathetic sacks of shit. Just a couple more steps until this Honey Soy Glazed Tofu is ready to grace your unworthy taste buds.
- Sprinkle some sesame seeds on top of that tofu like you're fucking Picasso. Make it look pretty so you can take a picture to show your other clueless friends how incredibly easy it is to cook.
- Serve that glorious tofu over some steamed rice or with a side of Asian-style noodles. But don't overthink it, you incompetent twerps. This tofu can hold its own.
Well, what are you waiting for? Why are you still sitting there, drooling like a fucking moron? Get off your ass, gather your courage, and start cooking this Honey Soy Glazed Tofu. Trust me, it's worth every ounce of effort, unlike your pitiful existence.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, January 24 2024