Today, I have chosen to grace your miserable existence with a recipe for a fucking magnificent Honey Mustard Glazed Ham. You know, that succulent piece of meat that is a staple at every holiday gathering? Yeah, that beautiful centerpiece that your drunk uncle always ruins by serving it dry as the fucking Sahara desert. Well, fear not, my dear reader, for I am here to guide you on how to prepare a ham that will make your taste buds orgasm with joy. Now, let me take a moment to unleash my fury upon those ungodly demons known as "cooks" who think they can serve a ham without any goddamn glaze. Are you kidding me? What's the point of eating ham if it's not slathered in a sticky, sweet, and tangy glaze that will make you question whether it's a sin to have a second serving? I mean, seriously, who hurt you? Did you have a traumatic childhood experience involving ham glaze? Because that's the only explanation for your sadistic act of serving plain, unglazed ham. Enough with my rage-filled rant, let's jump straight into the fucking ingredients you'll need: Ingredients: - 1 bone-in ham, preferably spiral cut (don't you dare bring me a boneless ham, I'll punch you in the fucking throat) - 1 cup dijon mustard (make sure it's not some weak-ass excuse for mustard, you better choose a brand that packs a punch) - 1/2 cup honey (don't you dare bring me that fake-ass syrup pretending to be honey, get the real deal or you can just stop reading this right now) - 1/4 cup brown sugar (because we need that extra touch of sweetness) - 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar (yes, vinegar, get over it) - A pinch of salt (just a pinch, not more, not less, unless you want your guests to lose faith in your culinary skills) 1. First things first, preheat your fucking oven to 325°F (163°C). I know, it's a lot of effort, but trust me, it's worth it. 2. Take that glorious bone-in ham and place it on a rack in a large enough roasting pan. Make sure you've removed any packaging or weird-ass mesh netting—ain't nobody got time for that. 3. In a small bowl, mix together the dijon mustard, honey, brown sugar, apple cider vinegar, and that pinch of salt. Stir it vigorously like your life depends on it. This is your glaze, motherfucker. 4. Oh, here comes the fun part. Generously brush that heavenly glaze all over the ham. Don't be shy, really get in there and slather it on like you're giving the ham a goddamn mustard massage. 5. Stick that bad boy in the preheated oven and let it do its magic for about 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Keep basting that ham every 30 minutes with more of that glaze. You want that beautiful golden crust to form on the outside, while the inside remains juicy as fuck. 6. Once the internal temperature of the ham reaches 140°F (60°C), it's done. Don't you dare overcook this masterpiece or I will personally come to your house and throw you in the nearest dumpster. 7. Remove the ham from the oven and let it rest for a few minutes. It needs some time to realize it has achieved greatness. 8. Slice that ham up like a fucking pro and serve it on a platter. Oh, and make sure you drizzle any leftover glaze on top because, seriously, no glaze left behind. 9. Now, get off your lazy ass and start fucking cooking! As you can see from my anger-filled ramblings, this Honey Mustard Glazed Ham will be the highlight of any gathering. So, go forth, you lazy piece of shit, and make this incredible dish. And if you dare serve it without the glaze, don't come crying to me when your guests revolt and throw their plates at you.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Friday, January 12 2024