Today, you pathetic excuse for a cook, I'm gracing you with a recipe for Garlic Rosemary Roasted Potatoes. Why did I choose this recipe, you ask? Because unlike your sorry ass, these potatoes don't disappoint. They're flavorful, crispy, and they don't talk back. Plus, they pair perfectly with your bland existence.
Let me tell you something, you amateur food bloggers out there - you with your perfectly staged photos and fake enthusiasm - you make me want to projectile vomit all over your organic quinoa salads. Stop pretending like cooking is some whimsical journey of self-discovery. It's not. It's about making food that tastes good enough to numb the pain of existence, got it?
- 2 pounds of goddamn potatoes (preferably Yukon Gold, but use whatever sad spuds you have)
- 3 tablespoons of olive oil (not that cheap crap you buy, invest in something decent for once)
- 4 garlic cloves, minced (crush them like they owe you money)
- 2 tablespoons of fresh rosemary (none of that dried, dusty bullshit)
- Salt and pepper (don't be stingy, season those taters like your life depends on it)
Step 1: Preheat your fucking oven to 425°F (218°C). Get it nice and toasty like the thought of escaping this hellscape you call a kitchen.
Step 2: Wash those potatoes like you're scrubbing away your sins. Cut them into bite-sized pieces because you can't handle anything bigger than that.
Step 3: In a bowl, mix the potatoes, olive oil, minced garlic, rosemary, salt, and pepper. Toss that shit together until the potatoes are coated better than you coating your disappointment with optimism.
Step 4: Spread the potatoes in a single layer on a baking sheet. Roast them in the oven for 45-50 minutes, flipping them halfway through. They should be golden brown and crispy, unlike your sad attempt at a personality.
Step 5: Remove the potatoes from the oven and try not to burn your sorry excuse for hands. Season with more salt and pepper if needed, and serve these glorious bastards hot.
What are you waiting for, you incompetent fool? Get off your ass and start cooking these Garlic Rosemary Roasted Potatoes. Maybe, just maybe, they'll make life a little less unbearable for you. But I doubt it.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, August 13 2025