Rage Recipes: Garlic Parmesan Roasted Broccoli

Ah, broccoli! The vegetable that strikes fear into the hearts of children and adults alike. But fear not, my fellow pissed-off cooks, because today we are going to turn this green monster into a motherfucking feast.

The Broccoli Conspiracy

Now, before we dive into the sensory assault that is this recipe, let me take a moment to address the conspiracy surrounding broccoli.

You see, the broccoli growers are in cahoots with the world's parents, trying to force-feed this demon veggie to innocent kids. They sing songs about how healthy it is, how it can make you strong and smart. Well, fuck that noise! If broccoli is so fucking great, why does it taste like a bitter regret? I'll tell you why - because it's all part of a diabolical plan to torture our taste buds and rob us of any culinary pleasure.

Ingredients from the Depths of Hell

• 2 heads of broccoli (the greener, the better)
• 3 tablespoons of olive oil (extra virgin, because we're not fucking amateurs here)
• 4 cloves of garlic (minced, to add a fuck-ton of flavor)
• 1/2 cup of grated Parmesan cheese (because cheese makes everything motherfucking better)
• Salt and pepper (to taste, but don't be a fucking wimp - season that shit well)

The Roasting Ritual

1. Preheat your goddamn oven to 425°F (or as close to that as your shitty appliance can manage).
2. Take those broccoli heads and cut them into florets. Make sure to leave some stalk because we are not wasting a single motherfucking part of this vegetable.
3. In a large bowl, combine the olive oil, minced garlic, and a generous amount of salt and pepper. Mix that shit together like your life depends on it. Feel the anger flowing through your veins.
4. Toss the broccoli florets in the garlic-infused oil until they are fucking coated in every nook and cranny. Get them good and greasy.
5. Spread those oily motherfuckers in a single layer on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Make sure they have plenty of space to breathe and roast in their misery.
6. Bake those bitches in the preheated oven for about 20-25 minutes, or until they start to turn golden brown and crisp up. Make sure to give them a good shake halfway through because uneven roasting is a fucking travesty.
7. Once they're nice and roasted, take them out of the oven and sprinkle that grated Parmesan cheese all over those little green assholes. Give them a good toss to coat them with the cheese.

Time to Feast, Motherfucker!

Congratulations, you've just transformed the saddest vegetable into a glorious explosion of flavor. Now, stop fucking around and start shoving those garlic Parmesan roasted broccoli florets into your face like the hungry goddamn beast you are. Don't waste any more time reading this shit - get cooking, you lazy fucker!