So, today's fucking recipe is a goddamn revelation for all you poor bastards out there trying to eat healthier. I present to you, my angry little friends, the Garlic Parmesan Mashed Cauliflower. Now, I know what you're thinking - "Why the fuck would anyone want to substitute mashed potatoes?!" Well, let me tell you, you disease-ridden imbeciles, cauliflower is not just a boring vegetable that should be left to rot at the bottom of your fucking crisper drawer. No, no. When prepared the right way, it can be a creamy, dreamy substitute for those starchy-ass potatoes. Now, let's take a moment to talk about cauliflower. Cauliflower is like that shy, wallflower at every fucking party. It just sits there in the corner, unnoticed, while everyone fawns over the more glamorous vegetables. But you know what? Fuck those other vegetables! Cauliflower has a quiet depth to it, waiting to be unleashed in all its glory. And when you boil the shit out of it and mash it up with all the right flavors, it transforms into a silky, luscious concoction that will make you forget you're not eating potatoes. So, don't you dare turn your nose up at cauliflower, you fucking snobs! - 1 medium head of cauliflower (or as much as your miserable heart desires, if you actually have taste) - 3 cloves of garlic, minced (because fuck breath mints, am I right?) - 2 tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese (go ahead, be a fucking cheapskate and use the shit from the green can) - 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter (not margarine, you fucking heathen!) - Salt and pepper to taste (because God forbid you eat anything without these two basic seasonings, you flavorless dullards) - Chopped chives for garnish (unless you're a lazy sack of shit who can't be bothered) 1. Get off your lazy ass and bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add a generous amount of salt to the water, 'cause cauliflower needs all the help it can get to taste like something other than fucking cardboard. 2. While the water is working up a sweat, prepare your cauliflower by cutting it into florets. Pretend you're a deranged serial killer and chop that cauliflower into small, manageable chunks. Trust me, it'll be cathartic. 3. Throw those cauliflower florets into the boiling water and let them simmer for about 10-12 minutes. You'll know they're done when you can easily pierce them with a fork. So, don't be a fucking moron and declare them "done" after 5 minutes. It's science, you ignorant twats! 4. Drain the cauliflower well, making sure to remove every last drop of water. You don't want wet, gloopy mashed cauliflower, you fucked-up fools! 5. Grab a goddamn food processor or blender (if you don't own one, get your sorry ass to the nearest store and buy one). Toss in the drained cauliflower, minced garlic, butter, and Parmesan cheese. Season that shit with salt and pepper to taste. Seal the lid tightly and blend that fucker until it's smooth and creamy. Don't stop blending until you've achieved the ideal consistency. And if you're too dumb to know what "ideal" means, just keep blending until you hate your life. 6. Transfer your beautiful, velvety mixture to a serving dish and sprinkle some chopped chives on top, 'cause we all need a little fucking green in our lives (and on our cauliflower). 7. Feed your face like the hungry savage you are. Seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for? Congratulations, you made it through another Rage Recipe! Now, take this recipe and go forth, my dear readers, into the world of cauliflower wonders. Don't let anyone tell you that eating healthier means sacrificing flavor. With the Garlic Parmesan Mashed Cauliflower, you can have your fucking mashed potatoes and eat them too (just without the guilt and the dreaded food coma). So, get off your ass and start cooking, you lazy motherfuckers!

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Sunday, December 24 2023