Fucking Finger-Licking BBQ Ribs
What's up, you pathetic sacks of cooking incompetence? Today, I'm sharing with you my recipe for some fucking lip-smacking BBQ ribs. I chose this recipe because, let's face it, who the hell doesn't love sinking their teeth into a succulent slab of meat that's been slow-cooked with a smoky and tangy barbecue sauce?
The Bane of Your Rib-Loving Existence
Now, let me take a moment to unleash my fury upon the so-called "ribs" you find at most restaurants. These pathetic excuses for meat are usually dry, tasteless, and coated in some generic sauce that couldn't impress a blandness connoisseur if its life depended on it. It's an abomination!
But fear not, my dear readers, because I am here to rescue you from the clutches of shitty ribs and introduce you to a recipe that will make your taste buds dance a fucking tango with joy.
The Ingredients That Better Not Piss Me Off
- 2 racks of baby back ribs - Don't even think about buying pre-cooked or those sad frozen excuses for ribs. Get 'em fresh and slap the butcher if they dare give you anything less than perfection.
- 1 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce - Go ahead, pick one from the grocery store shelf. Just make sure it's got some goddamn flavor, unlike those watery, sugary disappointments. Bonus points if it's got a hint of smokiness.
- 2 tablespoons of brown sugar - If you're thinking about using that low-quality white sugar, you better take a step back and reevaluate your life choices, you culinary numbskull.
- 1 tablespoon of paprika - Don't even think about trying to substitute this with some cheap-ass generic spice. Get the good stuff, my friend, or don't even bother with this recipe.
- 1 tablespoon of garlic powder - Powdered garlic is the lazy cook's weapon of choice. Don't use fresh garlic, or I'll personally show up at your door and give you a lesson in proper seasoning.
- 1 tablespoon of cumin - Cumin adds a damn fine earthiness to your ribs. Don't underestimate its power, you flavor-impaired twat.
- 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper - Oh, you like it spicy, do you? Well, this little devil will add a fiery kick to your ribs. Adjust the amount according to your pain threshold.
- Salt and pepper - Seriously, if you don't have these basic seasonings in your pantry, just stop cooking altogether and spare the world from your incompetence.
The Recipe That Might Just Redeem Your Sorry-Ass Cooking Skills
- First things first, preheat your grill or smoker to a low and slow 225°F (107°C). We're in it for the long haul, my friends.
- Now, let's prep those racks of ribs. Remove the membrane from the bone side of the ribs. Don't know how to do it? Google it, you lazy shit stain. Then, pat the ribs dry with some paper towels. Moisture is the enemy of that delicious bark we'll be creating.
- In a small bowl, mix together the brown sugar, paprika, garlic powder, cumin, cayenne pepper, salt, and pepper. This glorious blend of spices will be our dry rub. Coat the ribs liberally with this mixture, patting it into the meat like you're giving it a massage. Make sure every inch of those ribs feels the love.
- Time to get those ribs on the grill. Place them bone side down, and let them embrace that low and slow heat. Close the lid and walk away for a good 3 hours. Let the meat work its magic while you contemplate the sorry state of your existence.
- After 3 hours have passed, it's time to work on that beautiful caramelized BBQ crust. Slather those ribs with the cup of BBQ sauce you have chosen. Make sure to cover every inch, leaving no region untouched by saucy goodness.
- Pop the ribs back on the grill for another hour, basting with more sauce every 20 minutes. We want that sauce to cling to the meat like a desperate lover.
- Finally, the moment of truth has arrived. Remove the ribs from the heat and let them rest for a few minutes. Slice them up like a vengeful butcher and serve with extra sauce on the side.
Now, get the fuck off your lazy ass and start cooking these glorious BBQ ribs. Stop wasting time reading my furious rant and unleash your inner pitmaster. And for the love of all that is delicious, invite some friends over and share this meaty masterpiece. Bon appétit, you hungry animals!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023