Oh, you've decided to grace my blog with your presence? Well, it's about fucking time! Today, we are diving into the depths of culinary madness to bring you a goddamn Caesar Salad. Why Caesar Salad, you ask? Because I fucking said so. Now listen up, you insipid food amateurs.
Let's talk about goddamn salad dressings. Is it too much to ask for a simple vinaigrette without the pretentious bullshit? I mean, who the fuck needs a raspberry-infused, balsamic reduction drizzling over their greens like some cheap whore? A Caesar Salad dressing, on the other hand, is a masterpiece of simplicity. Anchovies, garlic, egg yolk, and some Dijon mustard. Boom! That's all you fucking need, and it tastes like heaven on earth. Anything else is just an unnecessary clusterfuck of flavors.
- 1 head of Romaine lettuce (because any other lettuce is an abomination)
- ½ cup of torn croutons (or you can just angrily smash them)
- ¼ cup of grated Parmesan cheese (the only fucking cheese worthy of this salad)
- 2 garlic cloves, minced (crush them with your bare hands and feel the wrath)
- 3 anchovy fillets (the magical salty little fucks that make this salad legendary)
- 1 egg yolk (separated from its egg prison)
- 1 tablespoon of Dijon mustard (the fiery condiment that adds the necessary kick to your salad)
- 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice (the acidic punch that completes the flavor profile)
- ⅓ cup of extra-virgin olive oil (only the finest oil for your goddamn salad)
- Salt and freshly ground black pepper (to taste, and feel the fury course through your veins)
- Fuckin' start by ripping those goddamn Romaine lettuce leaves into bite-sized pieces and throw them into a large mixing bowl. It's like tearing the goddamn limbs off your enemies, except this time it's in the name of culinary bliss.
- Add the minced garlic and anchovy fillets to the bowl. Grind them together with a fork until it becomes a fucking paste. This step is where the magic begins, my friends. Embrace the pungent aroma and relish in the chaos you're about to create.
- In a separate bowl, whisk together the egg yolk, Dijon mustard, and lemon juice. Slowly pour in the olive oil while whisking until the dressing thickens and emulsifies. Now take a moment to appreciate the beauty of a well-prepared dressing. It's like witnessing the birth of a violent storm.
- Pour the dressing over the torn lettuce leaves and toss that motherfucker like you mean it. Make sure each leaf is coated in the fury of the dressing. Don't be a weakling, give it all you've got, you lazy piece of shit.
- Sprinkle the grated Parmesan cheese and torn croutons over the salad. Gently toss again to combine. Just like that, you've created a masterpiece of edible chaos.
- Season with salt and freshly ground black pepper to enhance the flavors, or don't. Who am I to give a fuck about your preferences? Serve immediately and savor every goddamn bite.
What the fuck are you waiting for? Get off your lazy ass and start making this fucking Caesar Salad already! Your taste buds are begging for this flavor explosion, and if you don't deliver, I'll unleash a torrent of kitchen rage upon you. Chop, mix, toss, and devour like the goddamn culinary warrior you were destined to be!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, December 21 2023