Fucking Beef and Vegetable Skewers

So, today we're going to tackle these goddamn beef and vegetable skewers. Why, you may ask? Well, because fuck you, that's why. You think I chose this recipe because I'm in a loving and giving mood? Fuck no! I picked it because it sounds like an easy enough dish to make, but trust me, there's nothing easy about anything in the world of cooking. And you know what really fries my fucking brain? Those douchewaffles who call themselves "foodies" and post these bullshit recipes that require 20 fucking ingredients and take a lifetime to prepare. I don't have time for that shit and neither do you. We're here to cook, not play "Chopped."

Ingredients:

• 1 pound of beef (whatever cut you prefer, just make sure it's not ground beef or some other bullshit)
• Assorted vegetables, like bell peppers, onions, and mushrooms (and if you dare to include zucchini, may the cooking gods have mercy on your soul)
• Garlic cloves, minced (because garlic makes everything fucking better)
• Olive oil (I hope you already have this shit, because if you don't, then you have no business being in a goddamn kitchen)
• Salt and pepper (to season your sorry ass beef and veggies)
• Wooden skewers (so you can impale the ever-loving shit out of your ingredients)

Instructions:

1. First, you need to soak those wooden skewers in water for about 30 fucking minutes. Yeah I know, who has time for that shit? Well, if you don't soak them, they'll catch on fire, and trust me, nothing tastes more like flaming disappointment than a skewer engulfed in flames.
2. While your stupid skewers are getting their soak on, cut your beef and vegetables into bite-sized pieces. Make sure the beef isn't some lame-ass thin slice that will turn into dry shoe leather on the grill. Give it some thickness, it deserves that much.
3. In a large bowl, marinate your beef with the minced garlic, olive oil, salt, and pepper. Don't be stingy with the garlic, we want that shit to permeate through every fucking molecule of beef. Let it sit there and marinate for at least 30 minutes, or overnight if you're a fucking planning ninja.
4. Thread your beef and vegetables onto the skewers, alternating them in whatever order makes your type-A brain happy. Don't overload the skewers, though. We're not building a goddamn skyscraper here, just make it balanced and neat.
5. Fire up that grill and throw those skewers on. Grill them until the beef is cooked to your preferred level of doneness, and the vegetables have some nice char marks. Don't overcook the beef, or I'll personally come to your kitchen and smack you upside the head. We're not making beef jerky kebabs here, got it?
6. Once they're done, take those beauties off the grill and let them rest for a couple of minutes. This will give you time to prepare your favorite sauce or dip, because let's face it, skewers without some kind of sauce are like a sad, celibate fuckfest.
7. Serve those succulent skewers on a plate, drizzle that sauce all over them, and dive in like a famished beast. Extra points if you take a bite without caring about burning your taste buds. That's how you know you're a true fucking daredevil in the kitchen.

Now, why the fuck are you still reading this? You've got the ingredients, you've got the instructions, so get the hell off your phone or computer and start cooking! Don't make me come over there and shove those skewers up your ass. Bon appétit, you lazy sack of shit.