Welcome to another motherfucking rage recipe, you useless sacks of culinary incompetence! Today, we're going to tackle a classic dish that combines the creamy, cheesy goodness of garlic Parmesan sauce with tender, flavorful chicken and al dente pasta. Why did I choose this recipe, you ask? Because I can't stand the sight of mediocre pasta drowning in bland fucking sauces served at every goddamn chain restaurant. Get ready to level up your pasta game, you tasteless shits!
Let's take a moment to reflect on the absolute fucking idiocy of nonstick pans. Sure, those shiny Teflon surfaces may promise easy cooking and effortless cleanup, but I'll tell you what they really do: ruin your food and your fucking health. Hey, dumbasses, ever notice how your nonstick pans start flaking off black shit after a few uses? That's the cancer-inducing Teflon leaching into your precious culinary creations. Congratulations, you played yourself. Real cooks know that a proper stainless steel or cast iron pan is the only way to go, providing superior heat distribution and a perfect fucking sear. So go ahead, keep trusting those nonstick pans and slowly poison yourself. Fucking morons.
1. Start by boiling a large pot of water. Add a generous amount of salt to the water, because plain pasta is the most boring shit on the planet.
2. While the water boils, season the chicken breasts with salt and pepper, because flavorless chicken is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat and melt 2 tablespoons of butter. Add the chicken breasts and cook until browned and cooked through, about 6-8 minutes per side. Set aside and try not to eat all the juicy chicken before making the pasta. I dare you.
3. Drop the fettuccine into the boiling water and cook until al dente, because nobody likes mushy pasta. Nobody. When it's cooked to perfection, drain it, but save about a cup of the starchy pasta water. You'll see why soon, so stop questioning me, you impatient fuck.
4. In the same skillet you used for the chicken, melt the remaining 2 tablespoons of butter over medium heat. Add the minced garlic and sauté until fragrant, because we only want to release the flavor, not burn the goddamn garlic. Pour in the heavy cream and bring it to a gentle simmer, stirring occasionally to prevent it from sticking.
5. Gradually add the grated Parmesan cheese, stirring until it's completely melted and the sauce is smooth. Once your taste buds can't handle the anticipation any longer, season the sauce with salt and pepper. Maybe you'll finally get the hang of this whole "season to taste" concept. Fucking genius.
6. Toss the cooked and drained pasta into the skillet, along with the reserved starchy pasta water. This magical water will help to loosen the sauce and coat every strand of pasta with that glorious creaminess. Mix it all together like your life depends on it, because a poorly tossed pasta is almost as offensive as a limp dick.
7. Slice the chicken breasts into tender, succulent pieces, and place them on top of the pasta like you're presenting a masterpiece. Sprinkle the chopped fresh parsley over the entire dish because we need at least some semblance of freshness amidst all this chaos. Serve that shit hot, right fucking now.
Look, I've poured out my culinary heart and soul creating this recipe, and here you are, still reading. What the fuck are you waiting for? Your tastebuds are wasting away as you sit there, drooling over your keyboard. Get up off your lazy ass, get your pans out, and start cooking this creamy garlic Parmesan chicken pasta like your life depends on it. And if you fuck it up, don't come crying to me. I'm too busy being angry at the world to be your personal cooking therapist.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Wednesday, December 20 2023