Today's recipe is for Cranberry Walnut Stuffed Acorn Squash because apparently, some people actually enjoy this shit. Well, I'm here to fucking guide you through making this so you don't screw it up like you do everything else in your pathetic cooking life. This dish is perfect for when you want to pretend you're fancy and sophisticated but deep down, you're just a culinary disaster waiting to happen.
Acorn squash, are you goddamn kidding me? Who the fuck decided this lumpy, oddly shaped vegetable was a good idea to eat? It's like nature's way of playing a cruel joke on us poor souls who have to wrestle with its tough skin just to get a few measly bites of mediocre flavor. But hey, who am I to judge? If you want to torture yourself with this vegetable, go right ahead.
- 2 acorn squash, halved and seeds removed (because let's make this already annoying vegetable even more time-consuming)
- 1 tablespoon olive oil (not that you know how to measure properly anyway)
- Salt and pepper to taste (because apparently, you need to be reminded to season your damn food)
- 1 cup cooked quinoa (because we're trying to be healthy or some shit)
- 1/2 cup dried cranberries (because sweetness is the only way to mask the taste of acorn squash)
- 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (to add a bit of crunch to this sad excuse for a meal)
- 2 tablespoons maple syrup (because why not add a touch of sweetness to this disaster)
- 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon (because even acorn squash needs a little help in the flavor department)
- Preheat your godforsaken oven to 400°F because apparently, we're actually going through with this shit.
- Brush the halved acorn squash with olive oil and season with salt and pepper because you need to understand the concept of seasoning for once in your miserable life.
- Place the squash halves cut-side down on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and roast for about 30-40 minutes or until the squash is tender because god forbid you overcook the one thing you actually manage to make.
- In a goddamn bowl, mix the cooked quinoa, dried cranberries, chopped walnuts, maple syrup, and cinnamon because apparently, we're masochists who enjoy making complicated dishes.
- Once the acorn squash is cooked, flip them over and stuff the cavity with the quinoa mixture because we're trying to salvage this recipe from complete disaster.
- Put the stuffed squash back in the oven and bake for another 10-15 minutes until everything is heated through because you clearly have nothing better to do with your time.
- Serve this abomination on a plate and pretend you're enjoying it because that's what we sad sacks of cooking failures do.
Why the fuck are you still reading this? Get your sorry ass up and start cooking this Cranberry Walnut Stuffed Acorn Squash before I lose my goddamn mind!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, March 13 2025