Cranberry Orange Walnut Energy Balls

Introduction

You know what's fucking great? Energy balls. Yeah, I said it. These little balls of pure fucking energy are like tiny powerhouses that can fuel you up when you're feeling like a soggy sack of shit. And today, I'm going to share a recipe for some cranberry orange walnut energy balls that will give you the strength to fuck up your day like a goddamn superhero.

Rant Time: The Bullshit Lying Labels

Let's talk about those so-called "healthy" energy bars you find at the store. You know, the ones that claim to be packed with all sorts of natural, nutritious ingredients. Well, let me fucking tell you something. Most of that shit is just a bunch of sneaky bullshit. They load those bars up with added sugars, preservatives, and other sneaky motherfuckers that will do nothing but rot your insides.

Ingredients from Hell

Here's what you need to make these cranberry orange walnut energy balls: - 1 cup of pitted dates (These fucking sticky pieces of shit) - 1 cup of walnuts (Make sure they're not already rotten, you disgusting piece of garbage) - 1 cup of dried cranberries (Don't even think about using those sugary candy cranberries, you fucking moron) - The zest of 1 orange (Yeah, that zest is there to give your balls a little extra kick) - 1 tablespoon of freshly squeezed orange juice (Make sure you don't just buy that cheap bottled shit) - A pinch of salt (Salt is the goddamn backbone of flavor, you useless sack of shit)

Recipe from Hell

1. First, you need to pulverize those dates and walnuts together in a goddamn food processor. Get them all nice and mashed up, you lazy fuck. 2. Once that shit is well combined, add in the dried cranberries, orange zest, orange juice, and a pinch of salt. Blitz that motherfucker until everything is mixed together into a sticky dough. 3. Next, it's time to get your hands dirty. Roll up about a tablespoon of the dough into a fucking ball. Repeat this process until you've used up all the dough. Don't be a fucking weakling and give up halfway through. Keep those balls coming! 4. Once your balls are all rolled up, put them in the fridge for at least an hour to firm up. You can also store them in an airtight container for up to a week, but let's be fucking real, they won't last that long. 5. When you're ready to devour these little balls of energy, just grab one and pop it in your mouth. Feel the burst of cranberry and orange goodness as it fuels your body with the energy of a raging bull.

Conclusion

What the fuck are you waiting for? Get your sorry ass off that couch and start making these cranberry orange walnut energy balls. Your body will thank you, and you might even accomplish something productive today. So get the fuck going already!

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023