Chocolate Raspberry Chia Pudding

What's up, you insubordinate motherfuckers? Today, I've got a recipe for you that will blow your goddamn minds. It's time to get a little fancy with some Chocolate Raspberry Chia Pudding. Now, I know some of you may be skeptical about chia seeds, but trust me, this shit is the bomb. Plus, it's healthy and shit, so you can eat it guilt-free. So, buckle up, assholes, and let's get started.

Rant Time: The Insufferable Purity of Vegan Bloggers

Okay, so before we get into the nitty-gritty, I need to vent my frustrations about these holier-than-thou vegan bloggers who think they're better than everyone else just because they eat grass and dirt. They're always preaching about this new superfood or that magical ingredient that will cleanse your soul and turn you into a fucking unicorn. Well, guess what? I don't give a flying fuck about your kale-infused kombucha, Brenda. I'm here to make good food that tastes amazing, not to join some goddamn cult.

Ingredients You'll Hate. Just Fucking Deal With It.

• 1/4 cup chia seeds (Yeah, those weird little bastards)
• 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Don't even think about using cow juice)
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (The darker, the better)
• 2 tablespoons maple syrup (Not your aunt's shitty pancake syrup)
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract (None of that imitation garbage)
• 1 cup fresh raspberries (If you use frozen, I'll find you and kick your ass)
• A pinch of salt (Not your regular low-sodium bullshit)

The Recipe: Follow It, You Lazy Shits

Alright, you useless sacks of meat, listen up. This recipe is so fucking simple, even a braindead zombie could do it.

1. In a medium-sized bowl, mix together the chia seeds, cocoa powder, and salt. Make sure those little fuckers are well-combined.
2. Add the almond milk, maple syrup, and vanilla extract to the dry mixture. Stir that shit like your life depends on it.
3. Once everything is combined, cover the bowl and refrigerate it for at least 4 hours, or overnight if you have the patience (which I know you don't). Go take a nap or something.
4. When you wake up from your useless slumber, give the pudding a good stir. Don't be a lazy fuck and make sure everything is well-incorporated.
5. Now, it's time to top this shit off with some fresh raspberries. Scatter those juicy motherfuckers on top of the pudding.
6. Grab a spoon, open your pathetic mouth, and shove this glorious chocolate raspberry goodness into your piehole.

Get Cooking, You Wastes of Oxygen

What are you still doing here, you incompetent pricks? You've got a Chocolate Raspberry Chia Pudding to make! Stop wasting my goddamn time and get your lazy ass into the kitchen. Your taste buds will thank you...if you manage not to fuck it up, that is.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, December 16 2023