Welcome back to another soul-sucking edition of Rage Recipes, where I give you the middle finger while feeding you some seriously fucking delicious food. Today, we're diving into the realm of smoothies, the ultimate bullshit of healthy eating. I mean, who the fuck wants to drink their calories instead of mindlessly shoveling them into their mouths like a proper savage? But hey, if you're one of those "health-conscious" assholes, then this Chocolate Raspberry Almond Butter Smoothie might just be your jam.
Oh, the joy of smoothies! Blending a bunch of healthy-looking shit together and pretending it's somehow better than eating a real fucking meal. Smoothies are the epitome of laziness. You throw in some fruits, sprinkle some superfoods, and voila, you've got yourself a miraculous concoction to make up for the fact that you haven't eaten a vegetable in years. Isn't life grand?
Okay, let's cut the bullshit and get down to what you'll need for this so-called smoothie. Brace yourself for a list of ingredients that promises to ruin your day:
- 1 ripe banana
- 1 cup frozen raspberries (because fresh ones just fucking suck)
- 2 tablespoons almond butter (because peanuts are for losers)
- 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder (is there any other fucking kind?)
- 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (because real milk is for pussies)
- A pinch of salt (because life is fucking tasteless without it)
- Ice cubes (because we need to pretend this shit is refreshing)
- Selected swear words as desired (because let's spice things up, shall we?)
Listen up, you poor soul in need of a quick dose of disappointment. Here's how you whip up this Chocolate Raspberry Almond Butter Smoothie:
- Peel that overripe banana, because the world loves to fuck with you.
- Toss the banana, frozen raspberries, almond butter, unsweetened cocoa powder, unsweetened almond milk, salt, and a handful of ice cubes into a blender. You know, the machine that symbolizes both your eternal suffering and your desperate desire to make something remotely edible.
- Blend the shit out of those ingredients until your arm is tired and your hopes and dreams have been pulverized into a liquid concoction.
- Pour the smoothie into a glass while cursing its existence, because that's how you make sure it tastes just right.
- Garnish with a raspberry, if you feel like pretending to be fancy for a split second.
- Take a deep breath, contemplate the meaningless of life, and chug this sorry excuse for breakfast.
Now that I've graced you with this dazzling recipe, what the fuck are you still doing here? Get off your lazy ass and make this goddamn smoothie already! Or are you too scared to face the harsh reality that life is nothing but a series of disappointments? Well, tough shit. Drink up and savor the bitter taste of your own existence. Cheers!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Sunday, January 7 2024