Chickpea Curry

Today, my furious friends, we are going to tackle the ultimate comfort food: Chickpea Curry. It's the kind of dish that will make your taste buds dance and your asshole burn in excitement. Trust me, this shit is really good. But before we dive into the recipe, let me take a moment to unleash my wrath on those so-called "authentic curry recipes" that flood the internet.

The Rant: Authentic Curry Recipe Bullshit

Listen up, you fake-ass curry lovers! I'm tired of all these pretentious recipe blogs claiming to have the most legitimate, time-honored curry recipe handed down by their great-grandmother from some mystical region of the world. Who the fuck cares about authenticity? As long as the taste is mind-blowing, who gives a shit whether it's traditional or not? So, put down your curry police badges and let's get on with the recipe.

Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons of olive oil (because butter is for pansies)
• 1 onion, finely chopped (because your knife skills suck, and you can't chop for shit)
• 4 garlic cloves, minced (don't even think about using the pre-minced garlic, you lazy piece of shit)
• 1 tablespoon of grated ginger (peel and grate it yourself, you lazy fuck)
• 2 teaspoons of ground cumin (no, it's not cum-in, you fucktards)
• 1 teaspoon of ground coriander (yes, cilantro leaves taste like soap, but this spice is fucking amazing)
• 1 teaspoon of turmeric powder (if you don't want to stain everything yellow, use fresh turmeric root, you weakling)
• 1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper (gotta add some fire to this goddamn curry)
• 1 can of diced tomatoes (use the organic shit, and don't get the ones with added sugar)
• 1 can of coconut milk (full-fat, because we're not counting calories here)
• 2 cans of chickpeas, drained and rinsed (because canned is easier, and I don't have all fucking day)
• Salt, to taste (season the shit out of it, unless you're on a low-sodium diet, in which case, why are you even here?)
• Fresh cilantro, chopped (for garnish, if you're into that fancy shit)

Recipe:

Step 1: Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Feel that heat, motherfuckers!

Step 2: Add the chopped onion to the pan and sauté until it's golden and smells fucking amazing.

Step 3: Time to bring in the garlic and grated ginger. Sauté that shit for another couple of minutes until your kitchen smells like heaven, or at least a better version of it.

Step 4: Now, it's time to throw in the spices. Cumin, coriander, turmeric, and that devilish cayenne pepper. Stir it around for a minute, coating everything with a beautiful golden hue. If you're crying at this point, don't worry, it's just the deliciousness punching you right in the face.

Step 5: Open that can of diced tomatoes and pour it into the pan. Let it simmer for a few minutes, allowing the flavors to mingle and make sweet, sweet love.

Step 6: Pour in the can of coconut milk, and don't be stingy with it. We want our curry to be creamy and luscious, not some watered-down bullshit. Stir it all together, and let it simmer for another few minutes.

Step 7: Finally, add those beautiful cans of drained and rinsed chickpeas. Mix them into the curry, coating each one with the glorious flavors. Let it simmer for about 10 minutes, or until the chickpeas are heated through and ready to burst in your mouth.

Step 8: Taste that shit! Add salt, you judgmental fuck! Season it until your taste buds tell you it's orgasmic enough. Remember, you're in control here, not some recipe from a high horse.

Step 9: Serve that motherfucking Chickpea Curry over a bed of steaming rice or with some freshly baked naan bread. Garnish with chopped cilantro if you're feeling fancy, or serve it plain because who gives a shit?

Now, what the hell are you waiting for? Get off your lazy ass and start cooking this divine Chickpea Curry. And don't you dare come back here complaining that you're hungry when you could be eating this masterpiece right now!