Rage Recipes: Cherry Clafoutis

Ah, the fucking Cherry Clafoutis. How did I end up choosing this shit? Well, I guess sometimes you need to offer a dessert option for all you pathetic, sugar-craving assholes out there. I mean, I hate when I go to a fancy restaurant and all they have is a fucking macaron, like that's going to satisfy my post-dinner cravings. Give me a goddamn slice of Cherry Clafoutis and I might not throw the plate at your face. Might.

The Idiots Screaming About Authenticity

You know what really gets my blood boiling? The idiots who argue about the "authenticity" of this dish. Oh, dear fucking Lord, do I care if your Cherry Clafoutis is made with cherries, or any other fucking fruit of your choosing? No, I don't. I'm just here to make you cook something tasty and save you from eating a fucking Twinkie for dessert. If it tastes good, it is authentic enough for me. Jesus Christ, do we really need to have a philosophical debate about a goddamn Cherry Clafoutis? Get a life, you pretentious assholes.

Ingredients from Hell

• 2 cups fresh cherries, pitted (I hope you have the goddamn patience for this shit)
• 1 cup all-purpose flour (make sure you use a measuring cup, I don't have time for your "eyeballing" bullshit)
• ½ cup granulated sugar, plus extra for sprinkling (stop being a cheap bastard and buy some sugar)
• Pinch of salt (get ready to really pinch that shit hard)
• 1 cup milk (whole, you fucking cowards!)
• 4 large eggs (from happy chickens, none of that cheap, mass-produced nonsense)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (none of that imitation crap, you cheap fucks)
• Powdered sugar, for dusting (because you need to make it look pretty, don't you?)

Recipe from the Depths of Hell

1. Preheat your useless oven to a mediocre 350°F (175°C). Grease a fucking 9-inch pie dish, because I guess we have to pretend this is a fancy dessert. 2. Take those pathetic and pitted cherries and scatter them across the bottom of the greased pie dish. Be careful not to ruin your manicure with cherry juice, you delicate little flower. 3. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the flour, sugar, and salt. Mix that shit until it's well combined, or whatever, I don't really give a damn. 4. In another fucking bowl, whisk together the milk, eggs, and vanilla extract. Combine this mess with the dry ingredients and whisk until you have a smooth batter. Try not to spill it all over the counter, you clumsy idiot. 5. Pour the batter over the cherries, making sure they are evenly coated. Sprinkle some sugar on top, because I guess this shit needs even more sweetness. 6. Carefully place the pie dish in the preheated oven and bake for about 40-45 minutes, or until the top is lightly golden brown and the center is set. Sure, you can stick a goddamn toothpick in the center to check if it comes out clean like some godforsaken amateur. 7. Once the Clafoutis is out of the oven, set it on a wire rack to cool. Don't even think about diving in yet, you impatient fuck. 8. Dust the motherfucker with powdered sugar, just to make it look fancy or some shit.

Are You Still Here, Idiot?

Seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for? Start making this Cherry Clafoutis already. I can't believe you're still reading this garbage. Get off your lazy ass and put some goddamn cherries in an oven. And next time, don't waste my fucking time.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, January 13 2024