I decided to grace you with a recipe for cauliflower fried rice today. Why, you ask? Because I fucking hate regular fried rice. The greasy, calorie-laden monstrosity that clogs your arteries and makes you feel like an overstuffed sausage. And don't even get me started on the so-called "healthier" versions I found on other fucking recipe blogs. They are nothing but a pathetic attempt to mask the fact that fried rice is an abomination. So, I've taken it upon myself to create a cauliflower alternative that won't leave you feeling like a bloated piece of shit. Let's get started, shall we?
- 1 medium head of cauliflower - pulverized into fine fucking rice (seriously, this shit better be rice-like or I'll find you)
- 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil - don't even think about using any other kind of oil, you dumbass
- 3 cloves of garlic - minced so fucking fine that you can hardly see it (the vampires will thank you)
- 1 small onion - finely chopped (no crying, you wimp)
- 1 carrot - grated or minced (if you can't handle a grater, use a fucking knife)
- 1 bell pepper - diced into tiny-ass pieces (make them as perfect as your life, ha!)
- 1 cup of frozen peas - you have no excuse for not having these in your freezer, you lazy fuck
- 2 tablespoons of soy sauce - make sure it's the real deal and not some watery bullshit
- 2 eggs - beaten like they owe you money
- Salt and pepper - don't be shy, give it a good fucking seasoning
- Green onions - chopped for garnish (because we need something pretty in this sad existence)
- Heat the vegetable oil in a large fucking skillet or wok over medium heat. Make sure the goddamn thing is hot enough to sizzle your pathetic life away.
- Add the minced garlic and chopped onion to the pan. Sauté those little shits until they turn golden brown, and the aroma fills your sad excuse for a kitchen.
- Toss in the grated carrot, diced bell pepper, and frozen peas. Stir-fry those fuckers until they are tender but still have a bit of crunch left in them (we're not going for mushy here). The colors should be vibrant, like the dreams you crushed.
- Now it's time for the star of the show - the cauliflower rice. Dump it into the pan like a bag of emotional baggage you're ready to let go of. Stir-fry that shit until it starts to soften up, but be careful not to overcook it, or it will turn into a pathetic pile of mush, just like your life.
- Pour the soy sauce over the cauliflower rice like a bittersweet reminder of the salty tears you've shed. Mix it all together until the flavors are evenly distributed, and you can almost taste a glimmer of hope.
- Push the cauliflower rice to one side of the pan, creating a space to scramble your beaten eggs. Beat them mercilessly while they sizzle and scramble like your last remaining semblance of sanity.
- Once the eggs are cooked, mix them into the cauliflower rice like a dysfunctional family trying to make it work. Season the mixture with salt and pepper, adjusting to your taste, but don't you fucking dare undersalt it.
- Finally, garnish the cauliflower fried rice with chopped green onions because apparently, life needs a touch of green to make it bearable. Serve it up hot, you lazy piece of shit.
And there you have it, you lazy sack of shit. Cauliflower fried rice that won't make you feel like a bloated whale or a disappointment to everyone you've ever loved. Now get off your sorry ass and start cooking this shit. Your taste buds will thank you (though I doubt anyone else will).
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Monday, December 18 2023