So, today we're going to tackle this fancy little fucker of a recipe called Caprese Salad. Now, I can already hear you whining about how "basic" this shit is, but shut the fuck up and listen. Don't let its simplicity fool you, this goddamn salad is a flavor bomb that will kick you in the taste buds and make you beg for more.
Listen up, you bunch of clueless wankers. I'm fucking sick and tired of people acting like salads are some pussy-ass excuse for a meal. "Oh, let's just have a salad because we're on a diet" or "Salads are what rabbits eat, not real fucking humans." Shut the fuck up and open your goddamn minds. Salads can be badass too, especially when they're as fucking delicious as this Caprese Salad.
- 4 ripe tomatoes: Don't be a dumbass and buy those tasteless plastic tomatoes. Get your hands on some juicy, ripe motherfuckers!
- 1 pound of fresh mozzarella cheese: None of that rubbery bullshit. Find the good stuff, you lazy twat.
- A bunch of fresh basil leaves: Don't skimp on this shit. Slap yourself if you even consider using dried basil.
- Olive oil: Get your ass a decent bottle. Extra virgin, none of that cheap-ass crap.
- Balsamic vinegar: Don't fucking skip on this. It's the delicious nectar that ties this salad together.
- Salt and pepper: You should have these essentials in your fucking pantry. If not, I pity your sorry existence.
- Slice the tomatoes and the mozzarella into thick, juicy fucking slices. Don't make them too thin, or I'll come and slap you sideways.
- Layer the tomato slices with the mozzarella slices and some fresh basil leaves. Alternate them like a goddamn lasagna, but without the fury of cooking.
- Drizzle the whole fucking thing with olive oil. Be generous, you stingy prick.
- Splash some balsamic vinegar on top. Don't be afraid to go wild here, you pansy.
- Finish it off with a sprinkle of salt and pepper. Season that motherfucker to taste.
- Now, here comes the most challenging part of this whole goddamn recipe: waiting. Let the flavors meld together for about 10 godforsaken minutes.
- Serve this glorious bastard of a salad to your unworthy guests and watch their eyes roll back in ecstasy as they take their first bite. Revel in their silent admiration. You've fucking earned it.
What the fuck are you waiting for? Get off your lazy ass and start making this Caprese Salad, you sorry sack of shit. Stop thinking salads are for boring, tasteless twats. This is a salad that packs a punch and will make you question all your life choices. So, grab those ingredients and unleash the fury of flavors upon your unsuspecting taste buds!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Thursday, January 18 2024