Today, you little shits, we're making Blueberry Lemonade Popsicles. Why, you ask? Because popsicles are the perfect fucking treat to cool your sorry ass down on a hot summer day. And if you don't like popsicles, then maybe you should just go eat a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal, you absolute troglodyte.
Let's talk about these cutesy, pastel-colored food blogs that make cooking look like a damn fairy tale. They write about their 'journey' to find the perfect blueberries, how the lemonade reminds them of their grandmother's porch swing, and all that other horseshit. Well, I'm here to tell you, cooking is not a damn fairy tale. It's about getting shit done, making something tasty, and then shoving it in your face hole before it melts.
- Fresh blueberries - because anything less is a goddamn insult
- Lemons - the sour little devils that make life worth living
- Sugar - because let's face it, life is bitter without it
- Water - if you don't have this, I can't help you
- Popsicle molds - don't even think about using ice cube trays, you lazy prick
- Squeeze the ever-loving shit out of those lemons to get some fresh lemon juice. Strain out the seeds like you're a goddamn adult.
- In a saucepan, combine blueberries, sugar, water, and lemon juice. Bring that concoction to a boil, then reduce the heat and let it simmer until the blueberries burst like overinflated balloons at a kid's party.
- Once it's all mushy and delicious, take it off the heat and let it cool. Then blend that shit until it's smooth like a damn baby's bottom.
- Pour the mixture into your popsicle molds like you're Michelangelo creating a masterpiece. Stick in the popsicle sticks and freeze those bad boys until solid, like your heart after watching a rom-com.
- Run the molds under warm water to release the popsicles because if you break them, I will find you and shove popsicle shards where the sun don't shine.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Friday, February 28 2025