Oh, fucking granola! The epitome of healthy, crunchy, bird-food bullshit. But hey, sometimes even us angry cooks have to give in and satisfy the health nut in us. So, today let's make this Blueberry Almond Granola, you bunch of tree-hugging, kale-smoothie-drinking freaks!
Listen up, you pompous granola bars! I don't need your judgy, holier-than-thou attitude. Just because you're packed with nuts and seeds doesn't mean you're better than me! And don't get me started on your "organic" and "gluten-free" bullshit labels. I see right through your pretentiousness, you crunchy bastard!
- 2 cups rolled oats (seriously, who even eats this stuff?)
- 1 cup sliced almonds (weirdly shaped and just waiting to get stuck in your teeth)
- ½ cup unsweetened coconut flakes (seriously, shave your own damn coconuts!)
- ½ cup dried blueberries (the sad, shriveled excuse for fruit)
- ¼ cup honey (the sticky, sweet trap)
- ¼ cup melted coconut oil (more coconut? What is this, a tropical island in my mouth?)
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (because we need some fake vanilla goodness)
- A pinch of salt (because even granola needs some flavor)
- In a big fucking bowl, combine the rolled oats, sliced almonds, coconut flakes, and dried blueberries. Mix them all together like it's a goddamn party you don't want to attend.
- In a separate bowl, whisk together the honey, melted coconut oil, vanilla extract, and a pinch of salt. Get your arms moving like you're fighting off a swam of mosquitoes in the jungle.
- Pour the wet ingredients over the dry ingredients, and toss it all together until everything is coated in that sticky, sweet mess. Make sure you don't miss a single piece, you lazy shit!
- Spread the granola mixture onto a lined baking sheet and pat it down like you're crushing the dreams of those happy, optimistic nuts and seeds.
- Bake the granola in a preheated oven at 325°F (160°C) for about 25 minutes, or until it's golden brown and fragrant. While it bakes, go do something useful with your life, like chopping onions without crying.
- Once the granola is done, let it cool completely. I mean, who eats hot granola? Unless you're into burnt tongues and regrets.
- Store the granola in an airtight container and pretend like you're really going to eat it for breakfast every fucking day. We both know that's not happening.
And there you have it, you health freaks! Now that you've wasted your time making this supposedly "nutritious" granola, let it sit on your breakfast shelf and collect dust. But let's be honest, you're going to reach for that sugar-filled cereal when no one's looking. Don't try to deny it!
What are you still doing here? Get your ass into the kitchen and start making this Blueberry Almond Granola. I don't have all day! And while you're at it, grab me a beer. Cooking is thirsty fucking work!
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Monday, December 18 2023