Let me tell you something, my fellow fucking foodies. Why the hell do ice cream machines have to cost an arm and a leg? It's like these pretentious kitchen gadgets think they're the fucking Ferraris of the culinary world. Well, guess what? You can make this delectable Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream without selling your soul for an overpriced machine that'll just collect dust on your shelf!
- 2 cups fresh strawberries, hulled and diced (if you don't use fresh, you're dead to me)
- 8 oz cream cheese, softened (don't you dare bring that low-fat bullshit near me)
- 1 can sweetened condensed milk (if you use unsweetened, go jump off a cliff)
- 2 cups heavy cream (if you opt for light cream, I will find you)
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (ain't nobody got time for imitation vanilla)
- 1 cup graham crackers, crushed into glorious crumbs (crush them like you're crushing your enemies)
- First, grab your fresh strawberries and mash those juicy bastards up real good with a fork. You want them to be a chunky mess, not some overly processed nonsense.
- In a separate bowl, whip the cream cheese until it's as smooth as a damn criminal trying to evade capture. Slowly mix in the sweetened condensed milk until you have a velvety concoction.
- Next, pour in the heavy cream and vanilla extract. Whip that shit together until you've got a heavenly cloud of creamy goodness staring back at you.
- Toss in the mashed strawberries and graham cracker crumbs. Fold them into the mix like you're folding in your ex's betrayal - with righteous anger and precision.
- Pour the whole shebang into a loaf pan and cover it with plastic wrap. Let it freeze for at least 6 hours, or until it's firm enough to scoop out like vengeance served cold.
- Serve that Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream in a bowl, and garnish it with extra graham cracker crumbs for that extra "screw you" to anyone who doubted your culinary skills.
Why the hell are you still reading this? Get off your lazy ass and start making this Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream! Your taste buds will thank you, and if they don't, well, at least you'll have a tasty treat to drown out the sorrows of a world full of overpriced kitchen gadgets and unsweetened condensed milk.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Saturday, July 5 2025