Goddamn it, people, today we are going to tackle the classic Russian dish: Beef Stroganoff. I chose this recipe because it's a fucking comfort food that will warm your cold, dead heart. It's creamy, it's flavorful, and it's fucking addictive. So put on your angry pants and let's get fucking cooking!
Oh, don't get me started on these fancy-pants, overpriced spices flooding the market. Some asshole with a hipster beard and a man bun thinks they can charge an arm and a leg for a tiny jar of cumin. Well, fuck them! You don't need to buy into their bullshit. Stick to basics, my friend. Salt, pepper, garlic powder, and paprika are all you need to make this goddamn Beef Stroganoff taste like heaven.
- 1.5 pounds of beef tenderloin, cut into thin strips (because we don't fuck around with tough meat)
- 1 onion, sliced thinly (because we like our onions just like our patience—thin)
- 3 cloves of garlic, minced (because who the fuck needs vampire bites)
- 8 ounces of mushrooms, sliced (because there's nothing better than fungus, amirite?)
- 2 tablespoons of all-purpose flour (because we need something to thicken this fucker up)
- 1 cup of beef broth (because the tears of a thousand cows will make this dish taste amazing)
- 1 cup of sour cream (because creamy tanginess is what separates us from the goddamn animals)
- 2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce (because we need to add some extra depth to this fucking dish, just like the abyss of my soul)
- 1 tablespoon of Dijon mustard (because we like our mustard as fierce as our anger)
- 1 tablespoon of fresh dill, chopped (because dill is like the little green glimmer of hope in this fucked-up world)
- Salt and pepper (because if you forget these, I will personally come over and slap some goddamn sense into you)
- Butter and olive oil (because we like our meals lubricated)
- Sprinkle the strips of beef with some salt, pepper, and the flour. Toss them around like a fucking salad. Set that shit aside.
- In a large, deep skillet over medium-high heat, melt some butter with a splash of olive oil. Once it's nice and hot, add the beefy bastards to the pan and cook them until they've got a nice sear on all sides. Don't overcrowd the fuckers, do it in batches if you have to.
- Remove the beef from the pan and set it aside. We don't want to overcook that shit, so keep it warm.
- Wipe your sweaty brow and add some more butter and olive oil to the same pan. Toss in the onions and garlic, and cook until they're soft and translucent.
- Add the mushrooms to the pan and let them cook until they release their fucking juices and start to brown. Don't be shy with the heat, let that shit sizzle.
- Sprinkle in the remaining flour and stir it around to coat all the goodness in the pan. Cook it for about a minute until it smells fucking toasty.
- Pour in the beef broth, scraping all the browned bits off the bottom of the pan. That's where the flavor hides!
- Reduce the heat to medium-low, and stir in the sour cream, Worcestershire sauce, and Dijon mustard. Let the sauce simmer, bubble, and thicken for a few minutes.
- Add back the beef strips and any accumulated juices. Give it a good stir to coat the meat in that luscious sauce.
- Cook for a couple more minutes until the beef is cooked to your liking. We don't want to eat raw shit, after all.
- Season that concoction with salt and pepper to taste. Taste that fucker and adjust the seasonings to your liking.
- Sprinkle the dish with some fresh dill because we're fancy motherfuckers.
- Serve this glorious pile of anger with a side of noodles, rice, or whatever the fuck you want. Just eat it before I lose my patience and come over there to shove it down your throat!
Now the real question is, what the fuck are you waiting for? Get off your lazy ass and cook this Beef Stroganoff. It's so good, it'll make you want to punch kittens. And remember, never apologize for your anger—especially when it's mixed perfectly with delicious goddamn food.
xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Sunday, February 4 2024