Rage Recipes: Balsamic Glazed Chicken Pizza

What's up, you food-loving motherfuckers? Today, I present to you a recipe that will make your taste buds explode in ecstasy: Balsamic Glazed Chicken Pizza. This shit is so good, it'll make you want to slap your grandma. But hey, don't actually do that, she's old and fragile. Save the violence for the kitchen, where it belongs.

Let's Talk About Fucking Pizza Dough

Before we dive into this goddamn recipe, let's take a moment to appreciate the majesty of pizza dough. It's a simple concoction of flour, water, yeast, and a pinch of salt, but it has the power to turn any gathering into a fucking party. You know what I hate, though? Those fancy-ass recipes that tell you to let the dough rise for hours on end. Ain't nobody got time for that shit. We're hungry, damn it! So, for this recipe, we're going to use a store-bought pizza dough, because who the fuck has time to make their own?

The Ingredients You Lazy Assholes Will Need:

• 1 store-bought pizza dough (because we're too fucking lazy to make our own)
• 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, thinly sliced (let's show those chicken tits who's boss)
• 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (make sure it's the good shit, not some weak-ass imitation)
• 3 tablespoons olive oil (because we need some lubrication, you know what I mean)
• 3 cloves of garlic, minced (we're not fucking vampires, we need that garlicky goodness)
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese (the more cheese, the better, assholes)
• 1/4 red onion, thinly sliced (because we need some fucking crunch)
• Handful of fresh basil leaves (if you can't find basil, just cry into your dough instead)
• Salt and pepper (season that shit, you tasteless twats)

The Recipe, You Lazy Fuckers:

1. Preheat your oven to 450°F, because we're cooking this shit at high temperatures, baby.

2. In a small saucepan, heat the balsamic vinegar over medium-high heat until it reduces by half and becomes thick and syrupy. This should take about 10 minutes. Don't you dare walk away, you lazy fucks, or you'll end up with a burnt mess.

3. In a skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat and add the minced garlic. Cook that shit until it becomes fragrant, but make sure it doesn't burn like your hopes and dreams. Add the chicken breasts and cook until they're no longer pink in the center. Season with salt and pepper, because flavor is a goddamn necessity.

4. Roll out the pizza dough on a lightly floured surface to your desired thickness. Place it on a baking sheet or pizza stone, because we don't have time for fancy shit like tossing the dough in the air like some circus performer.

5. Brush the balsamic glaze over the pizza dough, leaving a small border around the edges. Sprinkle half of the shredded mozzarella cheese over the glaze, because we like it cheesy.

6. Top that shit with the cooked chicken, red onion slices, and the rest of the mozzarella cheese. Feel free to add some fucking herbs if you're feeling fancy.

7. Slide the pizza into the preheated oven and bake for 12-15 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown and the cheese is bubbling and melty. Don't you dare burn it, you incompetent fools.

8. Remove the pizza from the oven and let it cool for a few goddamn minutes. Garnish with fresh basil leaves because we're all about that green shit.

What the Fuck Are You Waiting For?

Now that you have the recipe, what the fuck are you waiting for? Get off your lazy ass, gather the ingredients, and start cooking this masterpiece. Your taste buds will thank you, and you might even impress someone with your cooking skills. Or just eat it all by yourself. Either way, get started, you useless sacks of shit.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Monday, January 15 2024